I play guitar. recently a friend of mine saw me setting up for chapel band and looked at my gear, wondering what it all did. he asked me and i proceeded to explain everything on my pedal board to him. he just looked at me and said "man, guitar's really your passion, huh?" like, not just a hobby or a past time, but a Passion. i said yes.
i have always said Guitar is not just my way of leading worship, or of expressing myself, but rather one of the ways i talk to God. i offer my heart to God through song, yes, but more so through my guitar. i had a friend say she saw a few of the people at the Stirring (my church in redding) and when she looked at the electric guitarists God showed the Holy Spirit flowing into and out of their hearts, in beat to the electric guitars, but shinning mostly upward. she said with me it was starting from my heart and coming out through my arms through my guitar and escaping. at first i felt like she was saying that i only was playing whereas the other guys' hearts were involved, but she said it was more like the Holy spirit was blessing their hearts and using their hearts to lead people, but with me he was using my heart and my guitar as separate entities working together. that was amazing.
that was two years ago.
Brit, my girlfriend, and i have prayed together every night for around three months now. lately i have been praying that God would have me pray for someone, or prophesy over them or call them out on some issue randomly in a way that stretched me. i wanted him to give me something i could tangibly look back on and say "there's no way that wasn't God"
it didn't happen. i haven't been pulled to pray for anyone, or randomly started speaking in tongues, or prophecying. i haven't prayed for anyone to be healed, or performed any signs or miracles (by my own power or God's) nothing. i keep praying and wait patiently on God. i am not distraught about it, i just would sort of like the reminder.
two sundays ago, so i guess thats the 31st, we were playing music at the stirring, for the night services, and we came to the end of a song. i knew God had been working amazing things in the hearts of the people that were there, and i just felt happy and filled with the spirit. In the analogy of the sponge being filled so that water drips out of it, i was the sponge full of water waiting to drip on someone. and the song had almost ended, and i suddenly heard an electric guitar riff. i wasn't playing. i look around and only jenna was playing anything, and it was Chords.
i always say i talk to God with my guitar, and on halloween, he played back.
i beleive that when we worship we are just joining the heavenly worship;p session that will never end, and that attitude is crucial to approaching music in corporate worship. if you asked me for a highlight of my last two weeks i would say it was this: God adjusted my monitor and added a little of the heavenly guitar riff sound to my mix.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
love.
you are loved. thats right. when was he last time you were told that. when was the last time you were told by a person that you were loved, and they were 100% sure of it? the last itme they told you that you were undoubtedly loved? now when was the last time that the person said the love didn't come from them, but still said it with the same conviction and absolution? cause God loves you. we forget that. i have a shirt made by a friend named barrack. he was in the "i wear no pants" commercial for dockers that played during the Superbowl. he has/had a shirt company called "we are loved" his philosophy was that people of the world need to be told that they are loved. when you think about it, Christ,the Son of God, came to earth and gave his life to say this one thing "I LOVE you." the only thing we are told in the bible that trumps all of the spiritual gifts is love. we write songs about it. we claim to be in love with inanimate objects like our cars or our guitars (guilty of the second one myself) and assign it too easily to boyfriends and girlfriends in high school who would leave us if the cuter girl or more muscular guy becomes single. then why but God came to earth to tell us that the only thing we need to know is we are loved. and really i think its the only thing worth saying.
you are loved. i say that with all of my heart. i know it to be true. God loves you. he really does. even if no one else does, and if they claim he doesn't, he does. i can telly you in all honesty that he loves you.
when i wear the shirt barrack gave me, i make it a point to tell someone they are loved. a random person, via text usually to avoid the awkward conversations that can follow, but still. i send it. i forgot last time i woe it. it was under a long sleeve shirt all day, and i just put it in the hamper today ad realized i fell behind. so this is to make up for it.
in my life group we're learning to preach. we've talked about having a phrase that is repeated so much people remember it. so here we go again. you are loved. the almighty holds you close in his arms and protects you. the All-might-y. the one of all the might. he holds you. he loves you. you are loved. remember that, okay?
may the lord show you His beauty, power, and steadfastness. may he pour it out on you so quickly and deeply that you fall to your knees. then may he pick you up in his arms and hold you close to His chest so you can feel his heart beat. that your heart may beat for the things that his beats for. that your heart may break for the things that break his. may he hold you to his lips, kiss you on the forehead and whisper in your ear "you are loved. I love you." and after that, may he help you to your feet. may you go out in confidence through the knowledge of who sent you. confidence in how powerful he is and how much love he has for you.
you are love. now go love.
you are loved. i say that with all of my heart. i know it to be true. God loves you. he really does. even if no one else does, and if they claim he doesn't, he does. i can telly you in all honesty that he loves you.
when i wear the shirt barrack gave me, i make it a point to tell someone they are loved. a random person, via text usually to avoid the awkward conversations that can follow, but still. i send it. i forgot last time i woe it. it was under a long sleeve shirt all day, and i just put it in the hamper today ad realized i fell behind. so this is to make up for it.
in my life group we're learning to preach. we've talked about having a phrase that is repeated so much people remember it. so here we go again. you are loved. the almighty holds you close in his arms and protects you. the All-might-y. the one of all the might. he holds you. he loves you. you are loved. remember that, okay?
may the lord show you His beauty, power, and steadfastness. may he pour it out on you so quickly and deeply that you fall to your knees. then may he pick you up in his arms and hold you close to His chest so you can feel his heart beat. that your heart may beat for the things that his beats for. that your heart may break for the things that break his. may he hold you to his lips, kiss you on the forehead and whisper in your ear "you are loved. I love you." and after that, may he help you to your feet. may you go out in confidence through the knowledge of who sent you. confidence in how powerful he is and how much love he has for you.
you are love. now go love.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
february.
i haven't written a blog this month. here's whats going on in my life. i am part of a life group. finally. i am part of nates life group. which is amazing. why? i'm glad you asked. its a sermon lifegroup. well, it s a trainging group. and we each prepare a sermon everyweek. fifteen minutes each. on a given verse. we're speaking through luke. its amazing. my sermon today was going to be on identity in christ. in knowing our God for who he is. psalm 91 says god will save us because we know his name. Psalm 91:14-16. check it out. awesome. i was going to talk about how we know people by their names, and how in knowing their names we can know tings about them. if i buy a sticker that says "hello my name is" and then write "andrew" in the large space, you know i am andrew. if i wrote, instead "ron stoppable" in the blank space, some people would be confused, but the wise people would know i was refering to the character from Kim Possible, the Disney channel show. they would get the reference. they might even realize i said that because i can be awkward a lot of the time, but am loyal and pull through for you when you need me. i was going to open with something like that. its way cooler, but this one works and doens't give away the point of my sermon to those who may still get to hear it. anyways, life group is amazing.
also, i made ith through my second valentines day in a row without a valentine. i made it from february fifth 2009 until now without dating anyone. i'm pretty proud of that. not THAT much of a feat, but it was good for me. now i'm looking for a certain type of woman, and if i cannot find her, i am content to wait as long as it takes. i have been saying that all along, but now i feel it.
since i got over the last crush, God has laid a long list of people on my heart. theres still one i have to talk to, and one i want to talk to still from last fall, but i'll get to those two in the appropriate time.
at church a few sundays ago i learned more about spiritual gifts. here's what i think i have:
Special Knowledge. God lets you know things you shouldn't know. God tells you to walk up to someone and say "you're addicted to hardcore narcotics"
Encouragement. god tells me to encourage people for him. sometimes its just i am told to go be encouraging, sometimes its specific words.
Wisdom. God tells me advice to give people.
Helps. i help people. theres a reason this one is lower. it used to be major in my life, but less in recent years.
oh, and prophecy. specifically prophetic visions. one of those needs to be told to some people face to face before it can get into the blogosphere. but a times lately God has given me a vision of people doing things. of one of the guys on the band at church stopping in the middle of the street to sing praises to God. of two of the guys at life group being a perfect pair of lifelong friends and entering into a time of building one another up and mutual mentorship. some other more crazy things but i don't want to go into detail.
anyways, all this is to say my semester is going extremely well, and it startles me sometimes. oh, and i still need to talk to someone about something God showed me for them on Sunday at church. okay. time to send a text. okay. things are in motion. goodnight.
also, i made ith through my second valentines day in a row without a valentine. i made it from february fifth 2009 until now without dating anyone. i'm pretty proud of that. not THAT much of a feat, but it was good for me. now i'm looking for a certain type of woman, and if i cannot find her, i am content to wait as long as it takes. i have been saying that all along, but now i feel it.
since i got over the last crush, God has laid a long list of people on my heart. theres still one i have to talk to, and one i want to talk to still from last fall, but i'll get to those two in the appropriate time.
at church a few sundays ago i learned more about spiritual gifts. here's what i think i have:
Special Knowledge. God lets you know things you shouldn't know. God tells you to walk up to someone and say "you're addicted to hardcore narcotics"
Encouragement. god tells me to encourage people for him. sometimes its just i am told to go be encouraging, sometimes its specific words.
Wisdom. God tells me advice to give people.
Helps. i help people. theres a reason this one is lower. it used to be major in my life, but less in recent years.
oh, and prophecy. specifically prophetic visions. one of those needs to be told to some people face to face before it can get into the blogosphere. but a times lately God has given me a vision of people doing things. of one of the guys on the band at church stopping in the middle of the street to sing praises to God. of two of the guys at life group being a perfect pair of lifelong friends and entering into a time of building one another up and mutual mentorship. some other more crazy things but i don't want to go into detail.
anyways, all this is to say my semester is going extremely well, and it startles me sometimes. oh, and i still need to talk to someone about something God showed me for them on Sunday at church. okay. time to send a text. okay. things are in motion. goodnight.
Friday, January 8, 2010
new years blog
its the first blog i've written this year! i will break it inot three sections as follows: 1. intersting facts. 2 updates 3. resolutions. here it goes.
1. intersting facts:
-as of this year i have been alive in four decades
-my brother predicted a change in the new years glasses sporting the numerical value of the new year across your face. he said they would shift the left eye to the 0, but not have anything to do for 2011. and i predicted they would merely make the one a bubble letter, thus keeping the letters evenly across your face. we both were right. usually when i put up something my brother and i disagreed on, its to point out i was right and he wrong. not this time.
2. my new years resolution (note the singularity of the word resolution. this is to properly reflect my number of resolutions. only one)for the year is as follows my resolution is to remember that "a lot" has a space in the middle. set your goals easy, its easier to succeed.
2. updates.
-i got some really awesome clothes for Christmas, and a new guitar pedal. most of you don't care. the rest probably are annoyed that I'm bragging about my Christmas. whatevs.
-today is only the second time i have had to write 2010 in anything. i haven't been to the bank, or written any papers yet. its weird.
-i have spent the entirety of 2010 crush free. i'm really proud of that. its a personal record for me. i haven't gone this long withoug really liking someone since, um, 6th grade? watch. now tomorrow I'll fall flat on my face for someone and get a black eye in the process...
-i haven't hung out with people enough, once again, in true andrew fashion, i spent a break as a hermit.
-i am beginning to realize that in fact my sections one and three of this blog could be consolidated into one. oh well.
okay. here's the main point of my blog. if you read all of this, and you don't read the next part, you've missed the whole point.
-i think that the whole colors thing on facebook is a cool idea but falls short on many many levels. girls post the color of the bra they are wearing on facebook as their status. its a breast cancer awareness campaign, but it is secretive (so that the guys don't catch on) so it does not raise awareness. and it makes all your friends think of boobs. which guys do not need any help doing. we do that enough on our own. most importantly, its also a figurative slap in the face to those who have had breast cancer. i read this blog and it made me cry. stop reading my useless crap and click on this link. everything else i have said is meaningless. this is the part that has real worth.
"in the name of awareness"
no seriously. if you skipped it, go back and click the link. read the blog. don't skim it. don't look at the link and hope I'll summarize it,because i won't. read it.
if you want to raise awareness, do it in a way that actually shows respect to the struggles of those who are all too aware of breast cancer, in a way that shows hope, not a way that reminds them of the pain and the loss.
the other day i had a headache. God reminded me we live in a broken world full of pain and loss. of suffering and of horrible diseases. we have beauty in his creation, but we also have brokenness. and we have a lot of horrible brokenness. its there to remind us of how amazing the beauty is. we look around and see how horrible our world is, and yet God still loves us. and so we see the beauty in brokenness. without the evil, the sin, the cancer, the death, grief pain suffering, and the weeping and gnashing of teeth, there would be no need for a healer. and no NEED for a one who brings hope and renewal. without the fall, there is no getting back up, and without getting back up, there is no hand reaching down to help us get up.
1. intersting facts:
-as of this year i have been alive in four decades
-my brother predicted a change in the new years glasses sporting the numerical value of the new year across your face. he said they would shift the left eye to the 0, but not have anything to do for 2011. and i predicted they would merely make the one a bubble letter, thus keeping the letters evenly across your face. we both were right. usually when i put up something my brother and i disagreed on, its to point out i was right and he wrong. not this time.
2. my new years resolution (note the singularity of the word resolution. this is to properly reflect my number of resolutions. only one)for the year is as follows my resolution is to remember that "a lot" has a space in the middle. set your goals easy, its easier to succeed.
2. updates.
-i got some really awesome clothes for Christmas, and a new guitar pedal. most of you don't care. the rest probably are annoyed that I'm bragging about my Christmas. whatevs.
-today is only the second time i have had to write 2010 in anything. i haven't been to the bank, or written any papers yet. its weird.
-i have spent the entirety of 2010 crush free. i'm really proud of that. its a personal record for me. i haven't gone this long withoug really liking someone since, um, 6th grade? watch. now tomorrow I'll fall flat on my face for someone and get a black eye in the process...
-i haven't hung out with people enough, once again, in true andrew fashion, i spent a break as a hermit.
-i am beginning to realize that in fact my sections one and three of this blog could be consolidated into one. oh well.
okay. here's the main point of my blog. if you read all of this, and you don't read the next part, you've missed the whole point.
-i think that the whole colors thing on facebook is a cool idea but falls short on many many levels. girls post the color of the bra they are wearing on facebook as their status. its a breast cancer awareness campaign, but it is secretive (so that the guys don't catch on) so it does not raise awareness. and it makes all your friends think of boobs. which guys do not need any help doing. we do that enough on our own. most importantly, its also a figurative slap in the face to those who have had breast cancer. i read this blog and it made me cry. stop reading my useless crap and click on this link. everything else i have said is meaningless. this is the part that has real worth.
"in the name of awareness"
no seriously. if you skipped it, go back and click the link. read the blog. don't skim it. don't look at the link and hope I'll summarize it,because i won't. read it.
if you want to raise awareness, do it in a way that actually shows respect to the struggles of those who are all too aware of breast cancer, in a way that shows hope, not a way that reminds them of the pain and the loss.
the other day i had a headache. God reminded me we live in a broken world full of pain and loss. of suffering and of horrible diseases. we have beauty in his creation, but we also have brokenness. and we have a lot of horrible brokenness. its there to remind us of how amazing the beauty is. we look around and see how horrible our world is, and yet God still loves us. and so we see the beauty in brokenness. without the evil, the sin, the cancer, the death, grief pain suffering, and the weeping and gnashing of teeth, there would be no need for a healer. and no NEED for a one who brings hope and renewal. without the fall, there is no getting back up, and without getting back up, there is no hand reaching down to help us get up.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
lately.
in the past month, God has showm me lots. one thing he showed me i said i would write a blog about, but its not time for that one yet.
right now God is telling me to ask him to show me people how he sees them. so i have been. i have been praying i see everyone around me through his eyes. with some friends i have come to see not only who they are and how God sees that part, but how God sees who they will be. i have almost cried seeing friends and who they are going to become.
God also showed me who other friends were supposed to be. and i did actually cry. becasue he was showing me who they were supposed to be when he created them. who they weren't becoming.
he showed me even more about a few friends and had me speak to them. had me tell them the things they need to hear to progress towards who he has shown me they will be.
and today in chapel, i realized something. i see al these christians around me and i pray for God to have me see them the way he sees them. beautiful children searching for his will. he takes delight in seeing them search for him. and thus i take delight in seeing them search for him. two weeks from now i will be at home again. i will be out of the simpson bubble. i will see people who are not striving after his will, but running from it. i am scared, and yet extremely hopeful that he will show me them the way he sees them too. that he will break my heart for the thingst hat break his heart.
okay. john's done working out, i can go to sleep/ update recessed. we will adjourn at a later date. at an earlier time.
right now God is telling me to ask him to show me people how he sees them. so i have been. i have been praying i see everyone around me through his eyes. with some friends i have come to see not only who they are and how God sees that part, but how God sees who they will be. i have almost cried seeing friends and who they are going to become.
God also showed me who other friends were supposed to be. and i did actually cry. becasue he was showing me who they were supposed to be when he created them. who they weren't becoming.
he showed me even more about a few friends and had me speak to them. had me tell them the things they need to hear to progress towards who he has shown me they will be.
and today in chapel, i realized something. i see al these christians around me and i pray for God to have me see them the way he sees them. beautiful children searching for his will. he takes delight in seeing them search for him. and thus i take delight in seeing them search for him. two weeks from now i will be at home again. i will be out of the simpson bubble. i will see people who are not striving after his will, but running from it. i am scared, and yet extremely hopeful that he will show me them the way he sees them too. that he will break my heart for the thingst hat break his heart.
okay. john's done working out, i can go to sleep/ update recessed. we will adjourn at a later date. at an earlier time.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
OH MY GOODNESS! new 25 random tidbits-blog!
its been a few months since the last list of 25 ramblings.
1. i love my family.
2. i'm saddened that my little cousin has cried for an hour in her bathtub because she was too lonely, and wanted a sibling
3. i want another Dog.
4. i'm stoked beyond stoked that i get to play guitar at my home church tomorrow
5. i miss someone. okay, mabye more than one person.
6. my grandma is friends with becky weber. they sat on the mount of olives late one night this summer and prayed and talked about me and my siblings.
7. i'm scared i will run out of things to say.
8. i am going to wear migh hightop sneakers tomorrow at church and i kinda hope someone says something about them.
9. i think nolan burns and katie tam are the cutest couple i have seen at simpson. sorry to the rest of you.
10. i think whoever i end up with and i will be cuter than katie and nolan.
11. i'm wearing an alliance redwoods staff shirt for the third day in a row. (its my "at home laundry")
12. i have had turkey for five meals since thanksgiving dinner. (including the t-giving dinner)
13. i just realized all my friends from highschool robably hate seeing my status updates that are super spiritual on facebook.
14. i don't really care...
15. OOH! God showed me some really cool stuff about a few friends and their friend and about me and my former friends last weekend. i want to share, but thats for another time.
16. i'm really super excited about when i do share that number 15 with people.
17. I got a really cool idea last night, but that one is between me and the people involved, when it happens.
18. i want to start a lectio divina group soon. next semester?
19. i need to find something to put my new stirring.org sticker on.
20. i need money.
21. i need food water shelter and love more than i need money
22. i think brian reagan is hilarious
23. i still love puns. even more so than last time i wrote one of these.
24. i have a friend who i call wife, another who i call love of my life. i do not like either of them in a romantic way.
25. when looking up words rhyming with died, i found only four syllable words online, and thought up a five syllable one myself. (unidentified)thats right, smarter than the internet.
1. i love my family.
2. i'm saddened that my little cousin has cried for an hour in her bathtub because she was too lonely, and wanted a sibling
3. i want another Dog.
4. i'm stoked beyond stoked that i get to play guitar at my home church tomorrow
5. i miss someone. okay, mabye more than one person.
6. my grandma is friends with becky weber. they sat on the mount of olives late one night this summer and prayed and talked about me and my siblings.
7. i'm scared i will run out of things to say.
8. i am going to wear migh hightop sneakers tomorrow at church and i kinda hope someone says something about them.
9. i think nolan burns and katie tam are the cutest couple i have seen at simpson. sorry to the rest of you.
10. i think whoever i end up with and i will be cuter than katie and nolan.
11. i'm wearing an alliance redwoods staff shirt for the third day in a row. (its my "at home laundry")
12. i have had turkey for five meals since thanksgiving dinner. (including the t-giving dinner)
13. i just realized all my friends from highschool robably hate seeing my status updates that are super spiritual on facebook.
14. i don't really care...
15. OOH! God showed me some really cool stuff about a few friends and their friend and about me and my former friends last weekend. i want to share, but thats for another time.
16. i'm really super excited about when i do share that number 15 with people.
17. I got a really cool idea last night, but that one is between me and the people involved, when it happens.
18. i want to start a lectio divina group soon. next semester?
19. i need to find something to put my new stirring.org sticker on.
20. i need money.
21. i need food water shelter and love more than i need money
22. i think brian reagan is hilarious
23. i still love puns. even more so than last time i wrote one of these.
24. i have a friend who i call wife, another who i call love of my life. i do not like either of them in a romantic way.
25. when looking up words rhyming with died, i found only four syllable words online, and thought up a five syllable one myself. (unidentified)thats right, smarter than the internet.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
okay, so twice in one day, both inspired by the same message.
tonight travis spoke again, and after the message, nate had everyone who felt stressed about the relational status they are not in hold out their hands. (if you're single, and stressed about marriage, or married and stressed about singleness. the second one made less sense to me) and everyone around me raised their hands. and i felt God telling me to wait. then nate said "and for some of you its not the stress, but realizing that God may be asking you to be single for a while, be it a year or ten. to commit to him that if he wants you to, you'll stay unattached so you can get up and go where he sends you." and God said to me "you're up."
the one thing i want the most in life is not to be a pastor. its not to be rich, or to be famous, or to be amazing at guitar. its not even a wife. its to have kids with my wife, and raise them to be God loving men and women. and tonight God asked me to give up my desire to be married. ever. i cfried. i clutched my chest. i didn't know how to take it. i just knew he told me to. so i told him "okay. its yours." and my hand that was clucthing my chest felt like it was holding my heart. not the thing we see on valenines day. but the muscle. just a pure blob of flesh squirting blood. and i held it out, slowly opened my hand, and told him, it was his. he looked down on me and said "okay, i'll hold it for you. then he wrapped my heart in his love. then he did somehting that shocked me. he put it back. myheart is wrapped in his love. it almost seemed that part of him became like a peice of foil around a baked potato that was my heart. and he told me, i need this, but i need it to be in you. and when i want to, i will let you have a wife and kids, but now you need to be okay with the fact you might not ever marry. i wanted to drop to the floor and sob.
but my heart was wrapped in him.
_______________________
i got back to school tonight and as i walked down the stairs to my room he told me i will marry and have kids. eventually, but before i do, he is going to do something. and i'm not sure what it is yet. and i don't get to know yet. i think it will be something that shapes me into a someone who can actually support a family, and be responsible for them. but i'm not sure if that will take a year or ten years or fifteen years. but i'm okay with that. scared, but okay.
the one thing i want the most in life is not to be a pastor. its not to be rich, or to be famous, or to be amazing at guitar. its not even a wife. its to have kids with my wife, and raise them to be God loving men and women. and tonight God asked me to give up my desire to be married. ever. i cfried. i clutched my chest. i didn't know how to take it. i just knew he told me to. so i told him "okay. its yours." and my hand that was clucthing my chest felt like it was holding my heart. not the thing we see on valenines day. but the muscle. just a pure blob of flesh squirting blood. and i held it out, slowly opened my hand, and told him, it was his. he looked down on me and said "okay, i'll hold it for you. then he wrapped my heart in his love. then he did somehting that shocked me. he put it back. myheart is wrapped in his love. it almost seemed that part of him became like a peice of foil around a baked potato that was my heart. and he told me, i need this, but i need it to be in you. and when i want to, i will let you have a wife and kids, but now you need to be okay with the fact you might not ever marry. i wanted to drop to the floor and sob.
but my heart was wrapped in him.
_______________________
i got back to school tonight and as i walked down the stairs to my room he told me i will marry and have kids. eventually, but before i do, he is going to do something. and i'm not sure what it is yet. and i don't get to know yet. i think it will be something that shapes me into a someone who can actually support a family, and be responsible for them. but i'm not sure if that will take a year or ten years or fifteen years. but i'm okay with that. scared, but okay.
today at the stirring
travis osbourne talked, and i figured something out... are you ready for this? you better be sitting. and make suere your laptop is not on your lap but safely on a table and out of flail range. i realized, i am Perfectly fine with being single... holy crap. SO AWESOME. oaky, thats all. if you want something more spiritual or lomnger, then read my last blog again. this is all you get today.
oh, and i broke my amp, so if you want to give me 100 bucks to fix it you can.
oh, and i broke my amp, so if you want to give me 100 bucks to fix it you can.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
My Psalm
God, help.
I feel extremely unintelligent right now.
Extremely idiotic.
Those around me look and see that life is going well.
They say “Andrew has it together." and "I love Andrew”
I know they say it. They say it to me a lot. So why don’t I feel it?
A feeling of loneliness seems as though it will drown my hope.
Why do I feel as though none of them love me?
I think I am the one who drifts randomly between groups of friends and never grows close to any of them. and seems to never grow up at all.
But you love me.
You affection towards me IS like an sloppy wet kiss.
Not two teenagers making out in the halls when they sold be in class, but like a couple, Married for twenty years, who still has that spark, and who still continues to see the twinkle in each others eyes. They embrace and hold each other they do not notice the others around watching them. They know people are there, watching, but they ignore it, because the love is so Great it covers over all feelings of embarrassment.
I lie here in your arms.
They lift me.
They hold me to your face so you can whisper in my ear.
Your ever-strong, immensely gentle voice tells me “You Are Loved.”
Then “I love you. That is why I created you. To be loved by me. And to love me. And to show others how to love me. And to show the world what it looks like to cry and laugh with Joy in MY presence. To ramble on in your blog while you smile and stare at your ceiling like an idiot,because you want to look up at me.”
And again “you are loved”
and now i post things that seem rather personal because you called me to be an example.
I sit here inside on a cloudy day and bask in the sunshine of your love.
Father, remind me of your love. remind me that i am Yours. that you created me and that your fingerprints are all over me.
Jesus, let me continue to remember that you laid down your life for me to show me your love.
Holy spirit, be here to guide me and to keep me company as i journey towards you. let me ever be reminded that you are here to help me in every way possible, be it miraculous or mundane. continue to whisper in my ear that You love me and that i need to look to you to feel wholly loved, and not to others. remind me not to blame it on them, and not to despair, but to turn back to you. compared to your love, their love is simply an added benefit.
God, i am yours. use me.
And I feel comforted. And I feel ready to go out and conquer the world for you. But first I need to do some homework.
I feel extremely unintelligent right now.
Extremely idiotic.
Those around me look and see that life is going well.
They say “Andrew has it together." and "I love Andrew”
I know they say it. They say it to me a lot. So why don’t I feel it?
A feeling of loneliness seems as though it will drown my hope.
Why do I feel as though none of them love me?
I think I am the one who drifts randomly between groups of friends and never grows close to any of them. and seems to never grow up at all.
But you love me.
You affection towards me IS like an sloppy wet kiss.
Not two teenagers making out in the halls when they sold be in class, but like a couple, Married for twenty years, who still has that spark, and who still continues to see the twinkle in each others eyes. They embrace and hold each other they do not notice the others around watching them. They know people are there, watching, but they ignore it, because the love is so Great it covers over all feelings of embarrassment.
I lie here in your arms.
They lift me.
They hold me to your face so you can whisper in my ear.
Your ever-strong, immensely gentle voice tells me “You Are Loved.”
Then “I love you. That is why I created you. To be loved by me. And to love me. And to show others how to love me. And to show the world what it looks like to cry and laugh with Joy in MY presence. To ramble on in your blog while you smile and stare at your ceiling like an idiot,because you want to look up at me.”
And again “you are loved”
and now i post things that seem rather personal because you called me to be an example.
I sit here inside on a cloudy day and bask in the sunshine of your love.
Father, remind me of your love. remind me that i am Yours. that you created me and that your fingerprints are all over me.
Jesus, let me continue to remember that you laid down your life for me to show me your love.
Holy spirit, be here to guide me and to keep me company as i journey towards you. let me ever be reminded that you are here to help me in every way possible, be it miraculous or mundane. continue to whisper in my ear that You love me and that i need to look to you to feel wholly loved, and not to others. remind me not to blame it on them, and not to despair, but to turn back to you. compared to your love, their love is simply an added benefit.
God, i am yours. use me.
And I feel comforted. And I feel ready to go out and conquer the world for you. But first I need to do some homework.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Chuppah. again
on sunday two things happened. one, i blew a tube in my amp, so i had to borrow one. lame. but i fixed it today, so all ends well.
two, nate spoke about sex. he likes doing that. he finds a reason to every year. and every tie he does i sit and listen and pay close attention to everything he says. see, i won't need to use any of the stuff he says for a few years, so i just file it all away in the back of my mind. this time i reflected a lot. i listened as nate spoke about how the song of songs the lover (solomon) talks to his beloved( his wife) and builds her up. they are in the bridal chambers ready to consummate their marriage and he is affirming every part of her before he touches her. he stands there with his wife and tells her she is beautiful. at the begining of the book we see she does not like her body, and he spends the better part of a chapter telling her how beautiful she is. now, granted, they are about to get it on, but thats not the reason he is saying this, just to get her in bed. he is telling the love of his life "you are perfect in every way imaginable. you are even perfect in the ways i never imagined." its so beautiful. i feel really sappy for saying this. or rather that others will think me really sappy for having said this, but i want to be that guy. not only in the bridal chambers, about to make love to his wife, but i want the chance to tell my beloved, who ever she ends up being, that she is beautiful. i know God has me single and waiting now so i can try to describe his beauty to him (however impossible that may be) and i know taht when he gives me a wife, i will have had so much practice trying to describe him, i will be able to look at her and tell her how beautiful she is. i just hope i don't use the same words solomon used, cause no woman i have met wants her hair described as a flock of goats descending mt. gilead. thats just weird.
two, nate spoke about sex. he likes doing that. he finds a reason to every year. and every tie he does i sit and listen and pay close attention to everything he says. see, i won't need to use any of the stuff he says for a few years, so i just file it all away in the back of my mind. this time i reflected a lot. i listened as nate spoke about how the song of songs the lover (solomon) talks to his beloved( his wife) and builds her up. they are in the bridal chambers ready to consummate their marriage and he is affirming every part of her before he touches her. he stands there with his wife and tells her she is beautiful. at the begining of the book we see she does not like her body, and he spends the better part of a chapter telling her how beautiful she is. now, granted, they are about to get it on, but thats not the reason he is saying this, just to get her in bed. he is telling the love of his life "you are perfect in every way imaginable. you are even perfect in the ways i never imagined." its so beautiful. i feel really sappy for saying this. or rather that others will think me really sappy for having said this, but i want to be that guy. not only in the bridal chambers, about to make love to his wife, but i want the chance to tell my beloved, who ever she ends up being, that she is beautiful. i know God has me single and waiting now so i can try to describe his beauty to him (however impossible that may be) and i know taht when he gives me a wife, i will have had so much practice trying to describe him, i will be able to look at her and tell her how beautiful she is. i just hope i don't use the same words solomon used, cause no woman i have met wants her hair described as a flock of goats descending mt. gilead. thats just weird.
Friday, October 2, 2009
a sense of beloning, that makes me feel out of place.
i just re-read alot of my blogs. one in particular caught my attention. well, its the last on i re-read, so it was hard to miss...
i wrote a blog a while back on my attitude towards compliments in worship. int hat blog i said i do not appreciate compliments on my skills with a guitar, but appreciate compliments on my freedom to worship God. i still believe that. i pray i never stop believing that. the weird part was when i started thinking about the compliments i have gotten this year at school. a rather considerable number of people have come up to me adn told me they like listening to me playing guitar. on the one hand, i am on chapel band and at the stirring, so they hear me play a lot, but i think if you take the number of compliments and spread them out over the hours of playing this past month over any other month, i have gotten more comments this month by far. and i realized, i appreciated at least half of them more than i usually do. to some, i still feel awkward when i hear them tell me i was good, but to others, i earnestly tell them thank you, and that i appreciate their comments. and i realized, it was the people i am close to, and the ones i want to be close to whose compliments i take to heart. oyu see, i know their hearts. one of my biggest fears is that people will hear us playing music and go to their dorm rooms and write a blog about the awesome solo, or the cool bassline. i want people to meet God. when people who i don't know well tell me i sounded good, i am afraid that they missed the whole point. i have come to the conclusion that i only like it when most people tell me they liked worshiping with us (whatever band i play with) and for a select few, i absolutely love it when they tell me i sounded good. that is because with those select few i know their hearst are right, and that if i sucked,they would tell me "thank you for worshiping, and i loved it. and your guitar was out of tune, and you started taht song in the wrong time signature..."
so if really love you, then come tell me i sound good. if not, shut up :) (in case you can't tell, that sentence was utterly LOADED with sarcasm.)
i wrote a blog a while back on my attitude towards compliments in worship. int hat blog i said i do not appreciate compliments on my skills with a guitar, but appreciate compliments on my freedom to worship God. i still believe that. i pray i never stop believing that. the weird part was when i started thinking about the compliments i have gotten this year at school. a rather considerable number of people have come up to me adn told me they like listening to me playing guitar. on the one hand, i am on chapel band and at the stirring, so they hear me play a lot, but i think if you take the number of compliments and spread them out over the hours of playing this past month over any other month, i have gotten more comments this month by far. and i realized, i appreciated at least half of them more than i usually do. to some, i still feel awkward when i hear them tell me i was good, but to others, i earnestly tell them thank you, and that i appreciate their comments. and i realized, it was the people i am close to, and the ones i want to be close to whose compliments i take to heart. oyu see, i know their hearts. one of my biggest fears is that people will hear us playing music and go to their dorm rooms and write a blog about the awesome solo, or the cool bassline. i want people to meet God. when people who i don't know well tell me i sounded good, i am afraid that they missed the whole point. i have come to the conclusion that i only like it when most people tell me they liked worshiping with us (whatever band i play with) and for a select few, i absolutely love it when they tell me i sounded good. that is because with those select few i know their hearst are right, and that if i sucked,they would tell me "thank you for worshiping, and i loved it. and your guitar was out of tune, and you started taht song in the wrong time signature..."
so if really love you, then come tell me i sound good. if not, shut up :) (in case you can't tell, that sentence was utterly LOADED with sarcasm.)
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
i am a lover and a fighter (longest blog yet?)
i am a lover and a fighter. i love people. its what i do. we'll get to the fighter in me later. you see, at the stirring we are in our "Under the Chuppah" series. (pronounced 'hoop-ah') the Chuppah was, and is, the ceremonial cannopy that jewish couples stood under at their weddings. after the wedding the couple would make love under the Chuppah to consumate the marriage. then the bridal party would take the Chuppah and hold it over the bride and groom for seven days of parties and feasts. Nate has always talked about putting love and marriage and sex and dating back under the Chuppah. you see, when the groom stood under the Chuppah and waited for his wife, God was there with him, waiting. when the bride walked down to meet her groom God was walking her. so when they met, they met in God, under the Chuppah, and God brought them together. but we insist that we go find our own lovers. to wait with God under the chuppah means to be with God, waiting for him to walk your wife to you. for the woman, to walk with God to your husband requires that you walk with God. if your loved one decides to not be and walk with God then you have the choice of whether they stay with God and miss out on them, or to stay with them, and miss out on God. i choose to stay with God.
but also, the Chuppah was a place where the couple was surrounded by friends who followed them everywhere to bless their marriage. i like that imagery. when you are under the Chuppah, oyu are surrounded by your frineds as they take delight in assisting you in keeping yourself alligned with God. and when your walk with God takes you to a woman, they walk with you. and when your walk with God takes you and that woman to a a feast or party, they walk with you. the imagery is amazing. when ate talked about this, i had this image in my mind.
on one side you have two people, holding hands under a Chupppah. you have a priest behind them, and you have their frineds holding the chuppah. on the other side you have a person unde the chuppah, witha priest and friends and everything, but the person is holding on to something. they are struggling to keep this thing up in the air. when you look closer you see that the stage they are on is the same size as the Chuppah, and just outside the chuppah is this person's spouse. they are not under the chuppah, or on the stage, but are out doing their own thing. the spouse under the Chuppah is trying to pull them into it, and thus is having to lean out from under it.
under both of these Chuppahs, i then saw a brightness. it was the Glory of God. right in the middle of the first Chuppah. between the people. the top of it seemed to be between their faces, but it also seemed to be flowing down upon them. it shone so bright it bounced off the Chuppah and hit their faces again. the bottom of it was a blurry line somewhere between their hearts and their hands, which were holding one anothers. the priest was behind them, and he was performing the ceremony. around them was group of friends,and around them was a crowd of angels. all of the angels somehow had their faces in to see the beauty of the wedding, but also had their faces out, ready to protect that beauty.
under the other Chuppah there was the wife on the left side of the chuppah (from the audience's point of view) and she was pulling her husband-to-be up the side of this stage. she was holding onto one of the posts, and she was struggling to stay in the Chuppah herself. her friends were there, but they were not holding the cannopy up, they were holding it in place. she was pulling so hard against it to keep him from falling she was about to upset it. and in the middle of the Chuppah was a priest, who was praying for her. and there was the Glory of God again, but it was glowing not on her face, but near her back, because she was turned. it was glowing of the chuppah and lighting the path a different way for her. it showed the empty portion of the Chuppah. where the husband usually stands. and on that side you could see men standing. it was the friends of another man, who were off somewhere else holding his Chuppah up. he was close, and all she had to do was turn. but she would not. the angels in this case were not standing guard of the couple, but were split. some were there to pul her back. they were pulling her into the Chuppah just like her friends were, but it seemed from their faces as though they were pulling her away from the edge, and away form her would have been husband. the other half of the angels were standing under him, reay to catch him when he let go. and there, under him, were his friends waiting for him to fall. i can't tell if they were friends waiting to help him recover and grow in God, or just simply waiting for him to fail. and when he finally falls, she will be able to look down and see him rebuild his life. eventually, he will rebuild it so she does not have to look down, but simply over. but she cannot be the one who goes down to help him recover, because then she will be getting of her stage again. and out form under her Chuppah. out of he Bright shining glory of God.
then i looked back and saw the first couple. and i realy wanted to be that guy.
why is it that all of my deep moments lately have lead to me knowing there is a daughter of Christ out there who needs to be told that she is beautiful and that Christ loves her? and why is it that all of those moments lately lead me to wanting to find her and be the one who tells her that every day for the rest of her life?
yep., i want to love someone. and i am having trouble with that right now. i'm stuck in a fight between wanting to love someone, and knowing i need to rest in the fact that God wants me single right now. and chances are that once i'm finally ready to be single, he'll throw someone at me. so i fight this internal struggle. and thus i'm a lover and a fighter.
but also, the Chuppah was a place where the couple was surrounded by friends who followed them everywhere to bless their marriage. i like that imagery. when you are under the Chuppah, oyu are surrounded by your frineds as they take delight in assisting you in keeping yourself alligned with God. and when your walk with God takes you to a woman, they walk with you. and when your walk with God takes you and that woman to a a feast or party, they walk with you. the imagery is amazing. when ate talked about this, i had this image in my mind.
on one side you have two people, holding hands under a Chupppah. you have a priest behind them, and you have their frineds holding the chuppah. on the other side you have a person unde the chuppah, witha priest and friends and everything, but the person is holding on to something. they are struggling to keep this thing up in the air. when you look closer you see that the stage they are on is the same size as the Chuppah, and just outside the chuppah is this person's spouse. they are not under the chuppah, or on the stage, but are out doing their own thing. the spouse under the Chuppah is trying to pull them into it, and thus is having to lean out from under it.
under both of these Chuppahs, i then saw a brightness. it was the Glory of God. right in the middle of the first Chuppah. between the people. the top of it seemed to be between their faces, but it also seemed to be flowing down upon them. it shone so bright it bounced off the Chuppah and hit their faces again. the bottom of it was a blurry line somewhere between their hearts and their hands, which were holding one anothers. the priest was behind them, and he was performing the ceremony. around them was group of friends,and around them was a crowd of angels. all of the angels somehow had their faces in to see the beauty of the wedding, but also had their faces out, ready to protect that beauty.
under the other Chuppah there was the wife on the left side of the chuppah (from the audience's point of view) and she was pulling her husband-to-be up the side of this stage. she was holding onto one of the posts, and she was struggling to stay in the Chuppah herself. her friends were there, but they were not holding the cannopy up, they were holding it in place. she was pulling so hard against it to keep him from falling she was about to upset it. and in the middle of the Chuppah was a priest, who was praying for her. and there was the Glory of God again, but it was glowing not on her face, but near her back, because she was turned. it was glowing of the chuppah and lighting the path a different way for her. it showed the empty portion of the Chuppah. where the husband usually stands. and on that side you could see men standing. it was the friends of another man, who were off somewhere else holding his Chuppah up. he was close, and all she had to do was turn. but she would not. the angels in this case were not standing guard of the couple, but were split. some were there to pul her back. they were pulling her into the Chuppah just like her friends were, but it seemed from their faces as though they were pulling her away from the edge, and away form her would have been husband. the other half of the angels were standing under him, reay to catch him when he let go. and there, under him, were his friends waiting for him to fall. i can't tell if they were friends waiting to help him recover and grow in God, or just simply waiting for him to fail. and when he finally falls, she will be able to look down and see him rebuild his life. eventually, he will rebuild it so she does not have to look down, but simply over. but she cannot be the one who goes down to help him recover, because then she will be getting of her stage again. and out form under her Chuppah. out of he Bright shining glory of God.
then i looked back and saw the first couple. and i realy wanted to be that guy.
why is it that all of my deep moments lately have lead to me knowing there is a daughter of Christ out there who needs to be told that she is beautiful and that Christ loves her? and why is it that all of those moments lately lead me to wanting to find her and be the one who tells her that every day for the rest of her life?
yep., i want to love someone. and i am having trouble with that right now. i'm stuck in a fight between wanting to love someone, and knowing i need to rest in the fact that God wants me single right now. and chances are that once i'm finally ready to be single, he'll throw someone at me. so i fight this internal struggle. and thus i'm a lover and a fighter.
Monday, August 17, 2009
two years ago i wrote a blog about the number four. its really good. i might import it from my myspace. this is one like that. its about the number 61. (oh, and i started writing this on the 17th, but its close to midnight and i probably won't finish in time.) i chose 61 because of a few reasons. one, its the number of days in any two consecutive months (unless those months are july and august, or january and february, or february and march)and its the number of days til my birthday.
61 months ago i was a counselor at junior high camp. i prayed with a kid who had just accepted christ. his face, his smile, is the most joy filled face i have ever seen.
61 weeks ago i was working kitchen at camp, and i heard God talk to me above the dish washer.
61 days ago i was driving home from a long day of climbing after work at camp.
61 hours ago i was eating dinner with my family on a friday.
61 minutes ago i was on facebook.
61 seconds ago i was in the bathroom. 61 seconds from now i'll be in the next paragraph.
See? i told you i would be.
61 minutes from now, i'll be deciding if this blog is anywhere near worthy to be online.
61 hours from now, i'll asleep. i willhave gotten back from youth group, where we are playing the same two songs that we sang last time we played. take it all(by hillsong), and everything(by lifehouse) just two weeks later. see, our youthgroup doesn't know how to worship God during music. see, they haven't had a steady band in 61 months. so most of them weren't in youth group yet. actually, none of them were in youth group yet. half of them don't come on sundays, and the other half all are very helpful with our childrens ministry. that means they don't sing anything on wednesdays, and they hardly sing anything on sundays. the only exposure these kids have to music that glorifies God is once a summer at camp. so we are trying to introduce them to it.
61 days from now, i'll be 21. twenty one. that means i can drink. in a sense its a bigger birthday than 20. you can't really do anything cool at 20 that you couldn't at 19, except ride in a car with someone who got their liscence int eh past 6 months, which isn't that cool. and since i'll be at simpson, i won't drink for another two months afer that. two months. 61 days.
61 weeks from now i'll be 22, and in my senior year of college. well, its supposed to be my senior year. we'll see if i keep on track like that. i kinda doubt it. but i'll be a senior. when my mom was that age, she was married. weird.
61 years from now i'll be 81 years old. i probably won't rock climb anymore. i hope i'll at least still be able to play guitar. i'll be married. i'll have kids. my kids will have kids. my kids's kids, might be getting married, and having kids.
thats right. 61 years from now, i could be a great grandpa. WHAT! yeah,. thats crazy. seriously, take a second and think about that. 60 years from now, when you are old and grey, (or bald...) what will your grand kids look like? they will be as old as i am now. or older. 60 years from now, if you are still alive, you could be holding your great grandkids. or, you could have them sitting on your lap. or they will be to old to sit on your lap. if every generation in my family has kids at 25, when i'm 81, my grand kids will be 6. and i''l be 81, so my lap might be too fragile for them! crazy. this blog was supposed to be artsy with the numeric symmetry, not scary and putting life in perspective.
61 decades from now, no one will know my name. i will be the old name in the family bible that no one knows about. i will just be another name. and next to my name it will say "1988-" and after that will be another number. thats it. all this has happened, and will happen, and then i'm Gone. but then I'm in heaven.
and i won't be a counselor at a camp, and i won't be hearing God over the noise of a dishwasher. cause he will be right next to me. i will just look at his face and talk to him. i won't be eating, but i'll be with my family. i won't have to lead worship at youth group, cause jesus will be right there. and i won't be deciding anything about blogs, and i won't be talking about my age, or watching where the wild things are. and i won't be holding my great grand kids on my ever-so-fragile lap, and i won't be in the bathroom. i'll be kneeling at jesus' feet.
and i'll be smiling.
61 months ago i was a counselor at junior high camp. i prayed with a kid who had just accepted christ. his face, his smile, is the most joy filled face i have ever seen.
61 weeks ago i was working kitchen at camp, and i heard God talk to me above the dish washer.
61 days ago i was driving home from a long day of climbing after work at camp.
61 hours ago i was eating dinner with my family on a friday.
61 minutes ago i was on facebook.
61 seconds ago i was in the bathroom. 61 seconds from now i'll be in the next paragraph.
See? i told you i would be.
61 minutes from now, i'll be deciding if this blog is anywhere near worthy to be online.
61 hours from now, i'll asleep. i willhave gotten back from youth group, where we are playing the same two songs that we sang last time we played. take it all(by hillsong), and everything(by lifehouse) just two weeks later. see, our youthgroup doesn't know how to worship God during music. see, they haven't had a steady band in 61 months. so most of them weren't in youth group yet. actually, none of them were in youth group yet. half of them don't come on sundays, and the other half all are very helpful with our childrens ministry. that means they don't sing anything on wednesdays, and they hardly sing anything on sundays. the only exposure these kids have to music that glorifies God is once a summer at camp. so we are trying to introduce them to it.
61 days from now, i'll be 21. twenty one. that means i can drink. in a sense its a bigger birthday than 20. you can't really do anything cool at 20 that you couldn't at 19, except ride in a car with someone who got their liscence int eh past 6 months, which isn't that cool. and since i'll be at simpson, i won't drink for another two months afer that. two months. 61 days.
61 weeks from now i'll be 22, and in my senior year of college. well, its supposed to be my senior year. we'll see if i keep on track like that. i kinda doubt it. but i'll be a senior. when my mom was that age, she was married. weird.
61 years from now i'll be 81 years old. i probably won't rock climb anymore. i hope i'll at least still be able to play guitar. i'll be married. i'll have kids. my kids will have kids. my kids's kids, might be getting married, and having kids.
thats right. 61 years from now, i could be a great grandpa. WHAT! yeah,. thats crazy. seriously, take a second and think about that. 60 years from now, when you are old and grey, (or bald...) what will your grand kids look like? they will be as old as i am now. or older. 60 years from now, if you are still alive, you could be holding your great grandkids. or, you could have them sitting on your lap. or they will be to old to sit on your lap. if every generation in my family has kids at 25, when i'm 81, my grand kids will be 6. and i''l be 81, so my lap might be too fragile for them! crazy. this blog was supposed to be artsy with the numeric symmetry, not scary and putting life in perspective.
61 decades from now, no one will know my name. i will be the old name in the family bible that no one knows about. i will just be another name. and next to my name it will say "1988-" and after that will be another number. thats it. all this has happened, and will happen, and then i'm Gone. but then I'm in heaven.
and i won't be a counselor at a camp, and i won't be hearing God over the noise of a dishwasher. cause he will be right next to me. i will just look at his face and talk to him. i won't be eating, but i'll be with my family. i won't have to lead worship at youth group, cause jesus will be right there. and i won't be deciding anything about blogs, and i won't be talking about my age, or watching where the wild things are. and i won't be holding my great grand kids on my ever-so-fragile lap, and i won't be in the bathroom. i'll be kneeling at jesus' feet.
and i'll be smiling.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
hold me jesus
rich mullins wrote a song called hold me jesus.
watch the youtube video, then i'll finish talking.
anyways, yeah. for some reason when i hear this song it reminds me of how big God is. the sad part about this song is that rich mullins died about ten years ago. i had no idea who he was then, except as the guy who wrote "Awesome God" side note: he also wrote the song creed. for those of you who know garrett viggers, check out his website (garrettviggers.com) and watch a video of third day recording creed with brandon heath and garrett on the dulcimer
okay. anyways, the bridge of this song is the best part.
Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees
that part made me begin to tear up. considering the fact that i am really thirsty, i probably would have cried just now listening to it. this blog is not eloquently worded, it is not my best writing, and definitely not my most humorous, but this song speaks so much to me, i had to write it.
watch the youtube video, then i'll finish talking.
anyways, yeah. for some reason when i hear this song it reminds me of how big God is. the sad part about this song is that rich mullins died about ten years ago. i had no idea who he was then, except as the guy who wrote "Awesome God" side note: he also wrote the song creed. for those of you who know garrett viggers, check out his website (garrettviggers.com) and watch a video of third day recording creed with brandon heath and garrett on the dulcimer
okay. anyways, the bridge of this song is the best part.
Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees
that part made me begin to tear up. considering the fact that i am really thirsty, i probably would have cried just now listening to it. this blog is not eloquently worded, it is not my best writing, and definitely not my most humorous, but this song speaks so much to me, i had to write it.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
update ramble.
once again, i am writing a blog that i hope turns into something worthwhile. today i led worship at church again. josh was speaking, and i hadn't led in a while, so he told me i was singing. i spent about ten minutes last wednesday picking the set, so i felt like i might not be able to get into the songs. i usually take forever to choose music that speaks what my heart is try to tell me, and fits with the message so it takes like three hours. since this time was short i feared i would not feel into the songs by Sunday. that was far from true. today i loved the songs i had chosen. every song we played moved me. when i play i love to watch others worship God. today i feel like i only opened my eyes one time per song, and i didn't look up when i did. as each song was coming close to its end, i thought about the feel the song had left me with. certain songs have certain feelings attatched, but thats not what i mean. there is a different part of my heart that is puled by each part of a song. truly amazing songs pull my whole heart, or pull one peice so hard it moves me. every song starts pulling on one part of my heart, adn moves what part it pulls through the song. and so when each song came to an end, i thought about what it was pulling, and what songs would fit next that would transition from that feeling well.
then i would open my eyes the one time. well, actually, i think they were open, but they were not looking at people, or at the walls, or my guitar, or anything. i was staring at Go. the only time i focused my eyes was when i looked at the set list to see what was next, and if it fit. each song pulled my heart in the perfect way. i was singing and unable to stop smiling. today God filled me with is Joy again, and i love it.
after a good set like today, where i am worshiping God, once the songs are over, the final dismissal-prayer has been said, and everyone is heading out to the fellowship hall to eat cookies and drink coffee (an every sunday tradition at our church) and i begin to put my guitars away, i begin to wonder something. its that nagging doubt that creeps into my mind. i wonder if i sounded good. like at all. was i in the right key? did i sing way too loud or too soft? did i miss any notes? now, if i completely messed up, i still worshiped God, so the service was great for me, and in a sense none of that matters. but i want to bring my best before God, so it does matter.
on the days where i question if i sounded even remotely good, God always surprises me. today a woman from our church, named patty, walked up and told me this "hi, i'm patty, and i want to say i love listening to you sing. i don't think i hear you sing very often, but it sounds Good. I love the whole band here. you guys worship God. i can hear in your voices and instruments that your hearts are in the right place, and you are worshiping God." that is the best compliment i have gotten. i think ever. last time she complemented me, she said my mandolin playing was better than my guitar playing. i have played guitar for 8 years now, and at that point i had played mandolin for about 5 hours. and so when i saw her walking up, i thought of that last one. a part of me braced for a complisult (you know, the compliments that kinda hurt)and then she said that. God is awesome.
and that phrase is still in my mind. "i can hear in your voices and instruments that your hearts are in the right place..."
then i would open my eyes the one time. well, actually, i think they were open, but they were not looking at people, or at the walls, or my guitar, or anything. i was staring at Go. the only time i focused my eyes was when i looked at the set list to see what was next, and if it fit. each song pulled my heart in the perfect way. i was singing and unable to stop smiling. today God filled me with is Joy again, and i love it.
after a good set like today, where i am worshiping God, once the songs are over, the final dismissal-prayer has been said, and everyone is heading out to the fellowship hall to eat cookies and drink coffee (an every sunday tradition at our church) and i begin to put my guitars away, i begin to wonder something. its that nagging doubt that creeps into my mind. i wonder if i sounded good. like at all. was i in the right key? did i sing way too loud or too soft? did i miss any notes? now, if i completely messed up, i still worshiped God, so the service was great for me, and in a sense none of that matters. but i want to bring my best before God, so it does matter.
on the days where i question if i sounded even remotely good, God always surprises me. today a woman from our church, named patty, walked up and told me this "hi, i'm patty, and i want to say i love listening to you sing. i don't think i hear you sing very often, but it sounds Good. I love the whole band here. you guys worship God. i can hear in your voices and instruments that your hearts are in the right place, and you are worshiping God." that is the best compliment i have gotten. i think ever. last time she complemented me, she said my mandolin playing was better than my guitar playing. i have played guitar for 8 years now, and at that point i had played mandolin for about 5 hours. and so when i saw her walking up, i thought of that last one. a part of me braced for a complisult (you know, the compliments that kinda hurt)and then she said that. God is awesome.
and that phrase is still in my mind. "i can hear in your voices and instruments that your hearts are in the right place..."
Monday, July 20, 2009
um, overshare? a light into my commitment issues
i have commitment issues. but not the normal kind for a guy my age. when i like a girl, i commit to liking her. and it usually takes liking another girl to make me stop liking the first girl. and yes, this has come back to bite me in the but recently. theres a girl, who may be reading this, and she knows who she is, who i liked. i told her i liked her way before i should have, and then we flirted for awhile. then she told me we needed to be just friends and i agreed, and three months later i still really liked her. then i fell for a girl i met somewhere else, and battled over which of the two of them i liked more. for like two weeks, then i realized that maybe, just maybe, i needed to get over the first one, and not like the second either.
basically i think i like people too much. so when i like a girl, or even pretend to start to like a girl, i jump in. and it usually works out that i am an idiot, and sometimes it messes things up. in fact, to the aforementioned girl who knows who she is, i want to apologize for jumping the gun, cause it made things awkward between us. i hope we can still become better friends.
really this blog doesn't need to be posted, but it will be anyways. cause thats just what i do.
i guess i can make it seem better if i do this:
pray for me. that i find the line between over commitment and under commitment.
basically i think i like people too much. so when i like a girl, or even pretend to start to like a girl, i jump in. and it usually works out that i am an idiot, and sometimes it messes things up. in fact, to the aforementioned girl who knows who she is, i want to apologize for jumping the gun, cause it made things awkward between us. i hope we can still become better friends.
really this blog doesn't need to be posted, but it will be anyways. cause thats just what i do.
i guess i can make it seem better if i do this:
pray for me. that i find the line between over commitment and under commitment.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
fiddler on the roof
i just watched the fiddler on the roof with my family.
i love that movie. now, to start, the chracters are mostly jewish, so i do have some disagreements with them theologically, like i believe jesus Is the messiah, and they talk about still waiting for him. the weird thing is that i LOVED the theological ideas behind alot of things.
first off, the dialouge. when the jews are being kicked out of their town because they are jewish, one of them (the name escapes me right now, but he was the son inlaw, and the tailor) turns to the rabbi and says "rabbi, we have waited here so long for the messiah, wouldn't now be a good time for him to come back?" the rabbi repsons " we'll wait somewhere else." i love the line. it reminds me that no matter where we are Christ is there.
when the main character ( whose name i cannot spell, so won't even try) is deciding if he should abandon his daughter for marrying a gentile, or abandon his faith, he says "if i bend it (his core beleifs) i will break" granted i do not think we still need to disown people for interreligious marriages because christ told us to love, but the statement that he would break if his faith were forgotten is such an amazing statement.
the best part of the movie to me, that trumps all other parts, is how he prays. at one point he glimpses up at God with a look of confusion. it is as he is about to tell his wife that he is letting their daughter marry the tailor instead of the rich butcher. he looks at God with a face that just says" can i get a little help?" the way the character interacts with God inspires me. don't get me wrong, God is almighty and he deserves to be revered, but also he loves us. he wants us to feel comfortable in his arms. when i was a little kid and my dad held me i could turn and look at him in a face that said i loved him. i didn't need to say it, and i definitely didn't need to say " dear father. you are my father, and i love you. you and my mother made me, and you have raised me. thank you" i just had to look. he knew. i think we should be that way with God sometimes too. i want to be that way with God alot more than i am. to be so close with God that talking to him is almost casual.
also, he goes between talking to God and talking to himself in an instant. when his daughters ask him for his permission to marry, they suddenly are far off in the back ground to show that the talking he is doing is between him adn God, and not actually out loud. but half of the time he is saying things that sound like they should be between him and God, but the other half of the time he is saying things taht sound like simple reasoning. when he says "on the other hand..." the twenty time she says it, its just his mind measuring the pro's and cons. i think prayer and thought are linked. i want praying to be as casual as thinking. i want thought to be involved in prayer. i'm tired of people not thinking while they pray, and not praying while they think.
if you don't know what i mean watch the movie fiddler on the roof and pay attention to how he prays. it might change your life. like seriously, it might.
i love that movie. now, to start, the chracters are mostly jewish, so i do have some disagreements with them theologically, like i believe jesus Is the messiah, and they talk about still waiting for him. the weird thing is that i LOVED the theological ideas behind alot of things.
first off, the dialouge. when the jews are being kicked out of their town because they are jewish, one of them (the name escapes me right now, but he was the son inlaw, and the tailor) turns to the rabbi and says "rabbi, we have waited here so long for the messiah, wouldn't now be a good time for him to come back?" the rabbi repsons " we'll wait somewhere else." i love the line. it reminds me that no matter where we are Christ is there.
when the main character ( whose name i cannot spell, so won't even try) is deciding if he should abandon his daughter for marrying a gentile, or abandon his faith, he says "if i bend it (his core beleifs) i will break" granted i do not think we still need to disown people for interreligious marriages because christ told us to love, but the statement that he would break if his faith were forgotten is such an amazing statement.
the best part of the movie to me, that trumps all other parts, is how he prays. at one point he glimpses up at God with a look of confusion. it is as he is about to tell his wife that he is letting their daughter marry the tailor instead of the rich butcher. he looks at God with a face that just says" can i get a little help?" the way the character interacts with God inspires me. don't get me wrong, God is almighty and he deserves to be revered, but also he loves us. he wants us to feel comfortable in his arms. when i was a little kid and my dad held me i could turn and look at him in a face that said i loved him. i didn't need to say it, and i definitely didn't need to say " dear father. you are my father, and i love you. you and my mother made me, and you have raised me. thank you" i just had to look. he knew. i think we should be that way with God sometimes too. i want to be that way with God alot more than i am. to be so close with God that talking to him is almost casual.
also, he goes between talking to God and talking to himself in an instant. when his daughters ask him for his permission to marry, they suddenly are far off in the back ground to show that the talking he is doing is between him adn God, and not actually out loud. but half of the time he is saying things that sound like they should be between him and God, but the other half of the time he is saying things taht sound like simple reasoning. when he says "on the other hand..." the twenty time she says it, its just his mind measuring the pro's and cons. i think prayer and thought are linked. i want praying to be as casual as thinking. i want thought to be involved in prayer. i'm tired of people not thinking while they pray, and not praying while they think.
if you don't know what i mean watch the movie fiddler on the roof and pay attention to how he prays. it might change your life. like seriously, it might.
Friday, July 17, 2009
the godliest man i have ever known
Charles Albert Peterson, the Godliest man i know, died this morning at 6:00. he was 93 years old. to describe to you how Godly he was would take me until i was 93 myself, so i will give you the highlights. he was an army veteran, spent most of his life as a ranch hand, never married, but had more friends that he valued more deeply than i could ever dream to have. his list of emergency contacts, which he kept in his wallet listed things like which hospital he liked, his doctor, PG&E, and a few other things, but the first number on it was my dad, who was his pastor for 15 years. my father has been taking extra time lately to visit Charles, since we knew he was dying ( he has had throat cancer for a year now.) he graduated high school when he was 16.he was an expert gardener and was gardening my church's 4 acre lot when we moved to California and kept it up for the first few years.
he told my Dad that no one would be allowed to stand up and talk about his life at his funeral. he wrote that the pastor giving a summary of his life would "suffice." he wanted the pastor to preach. he wanted his life to bring others to Christ, and he wanted his death to do the same.
my dad talked to his care giver and learned some amazing things. first of all, he died today as his care giver was getting ready for the day. Elliot, the care giver stopped in at 5:30 to check on him. Elliot took went away, and came back and Charles had passed. he held on until Elliot had checked.
the biggest thing to me is that Elliot had heard him talking one morning in his room. he had heard Charles saying something along the lines of "Why am i still here? why can't i come home now?" Elliot talked about how Charles was really ready to pass. Charles was not afraid at all of death. he wanted to be with his maker.
that's how i want to be when i get close to my death. i have had conversations with God before, and once or twice it has been out loud, but i always kept quiet enough that no one would hear it. i want to be so close to God that i talk in a full conversation-volume voice to him. i want to be like that so much that I'm crying just thinking about it. about his Heart for God.
in the past few months Charles has not been able to eat. he has barely been able to sip water. he was down to a few sips per day because his throat cancer was so bad. Charles was not afraid at all of death. he wanted to be with his maker. to be face to face with God.
now he is.
he told my Dad that no one would be allowed to stand up and talk about his life at his funeral. he wrote that the pastor giving a summary of his life would "suffice." he wanted the pastor to preach. he wanted his life to bring others to Christ, and he wanted his death to do the same.
my dad talked to his care giver and learned some amazing things. first of all, he died today as his care giver was getting ready for the day. Elliot, the care giver stopped in at 5:30 to check on him. Elliot took went away, and came back and Charles had passed. he held on until Elliot had checked.
the biggest thing to me is that Elliot had heard him talking one morning in his room. he had heard Charles saying something along the lines of "Why am i still here? why can't i come home now?" Elliot talked about how Charles was really ready to pass. Charles was not afraid at all of death. he wanted to be with his maker.
that's how i want to be when i get close to my death. i have had conversations with God before, and once or twice it has been out loud, but i always kept quiet enough that no one would hear it. i want to be so close to God that i talk in a full conversation-volume voice to him. i want to be like that so much that I'm crying just thinking about it. about his Heart for God.
in the past few months Charles has not been able to eat. he has barely been able to sip water. he was down to a few sips per day because his throat cancer was so bad. Charles was not afraid at all of death. he wanted to be with his maker. to be face to face with God.
now he is.
piggy plague
yep, i said it. or at least reffered to it. swine flu. there, now i said it. i know i'm at the tail end of a sickness of some sort, and i think its the dreaded H1N1! which is funny, cause i'm really not THAT sick. well, the fever, the full body aches and the headaches were pretty bad on Wednesday afternoon, and also pretty bad on Thursday morning. but not as bad as other flu's i have had. best thing? i didn't let it distract me from worshiping God these past two weeks ( oh, i was on the band at camp leading around 230 people each week in worshiping God.)in fact, it was the first time i got sick and found a deeper meaning. yep, I'm weird like that now.
everytime i woke up feeling horrible, head throbbing, dehydrated from the massive ammounts of sweat (which every morning i thought was evidence that the fever had broken. nope.) eyes throbbing form my head being on fire, and my throat so SORE from the snot dripping down it while i slept that i was carrying around little honey packets when i sang, it made me think of something it made me remember that i live in a broken world.
thats right, my piggy plague reminded me of the fall of man, which in turn reminded me of sin, which lead to God's saving Grace. so i woke up every morning thinking about how sick i was and thanking God for loving me so much. weird. but really cool.
and then i realized something. i know when i'm as sick as i was/stil am i need alot of rest.but at the same time when i was sickest i wanted to do the most. i wanted to impact the world for God as much as i humanly could. and then some more. i really wanted to force jesus down everyones throats in the best way i could:love them. and at camp there are a few ways i could love them. see, i'm an employee and to me helping people on challenge courses really is a form of ministry. and i'm also on the band, so playing guitar is a form of misitry as well. i aslo have the ability to relate to people and make friends, and i see that as a way to build up my fellow beleivers, and thus its a form of ministry too. so i had three huge "take all day" tasks and had to do them all at once. add into thtat the fact that i was sick so only haad about 40% of my normal energy to spend, and yes, i wiped myself out.
all in all God used me though. there will probably be another blog or two about it soon, but now i need to get some rest.
with love,
Andrew
everytime i woke up feeling horrible, head throbbing, dehydrated from the massive ammounts of sweat (which every morning i thought was evidence that the fever had broken. nope.) eyes throbbing form my head being on fire, and my throat so SORE from the snot dripping down it while i slept that i was carrying around little honey packets when i sang, it made me think of something it made me remember that i live in a broken world.
thats right, my piggy plague reminded me of the fall of man, which in turn reminded me of sin, which lead to God's saving Grace. so i woke up every morning thinking about how sick i was and thanking God for loving me so much. weird. but really cool.
and then i realized something. i know when i'm as sick as i was/stil am i need alot of rest.but at the same time when i was sickest i wanted to do the most. i wanted to impact the world for God as much as i humanly could. and then some more. i really wanted to force jesus down everyones throats in the best way i could:love them. and at camp there are a few ways i could love them. see, i'm an employee and to me helping people on challenge courses really is a form of ministry. and i'm also on the band, so playing guitar is a form of misitry as well. i aslo have the ability to relate to people and make friends, and i see that as a way to build up my fellow beleivers, and thus its a form of ministry too. so i had three huge "take all day" tasks and had to do them all at once. add into thtat the fact that i was sick so only haad about 40% of my normal energy to spend, and yes, i wiped myself out.
all in all God used me though. there will probably be another blog or two about it soon, but now i need to get some rest.
with love,
Andrew
Thursday, July 2, 2009
appreciation and music
i realized tonight that i no longer feel grateful when people tell me i do a good job at something. well, i do, but with certain things i kind of wish they wouldn't say it. when someone at work tells me thank you for running their challenge course, i say " you're welcome it was my pleasure" and i mean it. when i let someone into my lane and they do the weird wave thing one the freeway, i feel kinda good (sometimes) but when people tell me " you sounded really Good on guitar today" i don't feel appreciated. it used to be that i would be so proud wen they said it. or i would be embarrassed and say "yeah i only messed up a few times ( cause i do EVERY service) but lately i have noticed i don't feel fulfilled, i don't feel better for their liking my music. i feel let down alot of the time. i don't play on sundays for their entertainment, but i also don;t do it for them really at all. i get up on stage and worship God. i know God appreciates my music, and i know he is proud of me. that is never affected by their compliments ( or insults for that matter, if i ever received any) i don't want people to hear me playing guitar and be impressed. i don't want people to sit in their seats or stand near them and listen to me play and sing, and then thank me. i want them to stand and sit and kneel and lie on their faces, and just BE in the presence of God. and i want them to thank Him. if after that they come and thank me for that, i'm fine. i have absolutely no problem with them thanking me for my heart. for my willingness to serve, for my gifts being given Back to God. i have no problems with any of that. cause to me i'm doing all of that, not playing guitar. playing guitar is what i do at nine every night ath annoys my family. or on Saturdays when no one is at church and i go and plug in and mess around.
when i play sudnays (or any other time i lead people into worship) i do it for a few reasons. God wants my best, and i feel he has given me a talent, i should give it back. i worship differently with a guitar in my hands than i do just listening. i also do it because i like to lead others into God's presence because i feel He has called me to and i want to help others when i can. i do it because i like to see others worship, and honestly, you have a better view of people from on stage.
after saying all of that, i have no problem when a person comes and says " thank you for worshiping God. i enjoyed watching you." or something like "it made it easier for me" but i want those people who say that to say the same thing to people who are not on stage. to the person sitting two rows behind you who has the horrible voice and you can hear their flat squeals above the music because they are belting it out for God. i'm not saying you should lie, i'm saying you need to learn to appreciate the person's heart too.
my favorie person to watch worship would have to be a guy at school. he's one of the worst singers i know, and he knows it. but he doesn't care. he sings his heart out to jesus. and i love it. when i sit next to him, i thank him for worshiping before i thank anyone on the band.
first come to a point where you can thank the person next to you for worshiping beside you. then come thank me.
when i play sudnays (or any other time i lead people into worship) i do it for a few reasons. God wants my best, and i feel he has given me a talent, i should give it back. i worship differently with a guitar in my hands than i do just listening. i also do it because i like to lead others into God's presence because i feel He has called me to and i want to help others when i can. i do it because i like to see others worship, and honestly, you have a better view of people from on stage.
after saying all of that, i have no problem when a person comes and says " thank you for worshiping God. i enjoyed watching you." or something like "it made it easier for me" but i want those people who say that to say the same thing to people who are not on stage. to the person sitting two rows behind you who has the horrible voice and you can hear their flat squeals above the music because they are belting it out for God. i'm not saying you should lie, i'm saying you need to learn to appreciate the person's heart too.
my favorie person to watch worship would have to be a guy at school. he's one of the worst singers i know, and he knows it. but he doesn't care. he sings his heart out to jesus. and i love it. when i sit next to him, i thank him for worshiping before i thank anyone on the band.
first come to a point where you can thank the person next to you for worshiping beside you. then come thank me.
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