four

this blog is a few years old. i felt it deserved to be imported from myspace.

four

Four years ago today, I looked at the campus of Cardinal Newman high school, in awe that I had made it. I reflected over the previous decade I had lived through and how it had been so long and yet I remembered so much of it. I realized, I'm in high school. I realized I had made it to the big thing in schooling. I was starting the end. I was almost there. The big "ladies and gentlemen, the class of 2007!" and all the hats flying. It was so big and yet so small.

Four months ago it happened. Matt Jeffers spoke to our parents, told them of all we had done, and all the parents thought, there is a man who could lead our country. Then found out he wanted to be a dentist. Catherine Civian spoke to our parents and all of them thought, holy crap, she could be a leader in this world! And then she was gone. Someone else spoke to them again, and they were all impressed. Then Evan Chambers took the stand. And looked at the front row, and said, in a powerful voice, "class of 07, we made it. Our parents are here and all of our families, but we actually made it" he told us how he was proud and our parents should be too, and we all loved his speech and how directed at us it was, and how it really brought us together. We could all feel the excitement. When we walked, it was the proudest our parents ever have been of us. And most of us loved it. I was amazed to think back on how young I was as a freshman, and how insecure I was, and how I loved my family so much for being there and, and, and…..

Four weeks ago I woke up on a Sunday, and grabbed my acoustic guitar and my gig bag, and almost walked out to my car and drove to school. Then at my front door, I saw my electric guitars, and remembered I had to go play at church that morning, and that the bag contained my music, not my textbooks.

Four days ago I couldn't think about moving away from this place, but missed high school. I wanted to go back. i wished I could go back to the morning after senior night and relive this summer. My job was amazing. I can't believe its almost over.

Four hours ago, I wrote a brief bit about working my last program shift, and talked to my brother about how I had seven shifts left until I was done, four days from now.

Four minutes ago, I remembered that school started today, and that a friend of mine was going to be thinking exactly what I thought four years ago. And I realized, four years later, and I'm still a freshman, still going into the beginning of a new school. Still a private school, still insecure about things, still with a very few friends with me. Still thinking, "wow, I finally made it, and four years from now, I will be hearing "ladies and gentlemen, the class of 2011"and now I realize, this isn't the beginning of the end of my schooling, but the end of the beginning of my life. I think I will take a summer to work at alliance redwoods when I graduate from Simpson, because I think I will need it. I will need the time to go from mourning the end of one group of friends to anticipating the beginning of another. I will need time to transition from one setting to another, and four years down the line, I can see myself reading this blog again and thinking, wow, I was so wrong. Or wow, I was so blessed. To have this family that loves me and helps me achieve my goals, and this God who sets better goals than I could ever imagine, then pushes me to them. To have this upbringing and friendships that makes me able to say all of this with confidence. I will make it through life, and I will do what God needs me to do. Because God needs me to do it, and there's no way I can do anything without him.



And a part of me does want to go back and go through that lunch line, and eat those horrible tasting hamburgers and pay to much for that pathetic attempt at bacon, then go join in the cramming of fifteen people on a three person couch, and watch the same ridiculous movies over and over again, but I know I need to move on. I miss high school, but I also can't let myself go back until I've done something, and have some sort of story to tell. Not of freak accidents I narrowly lived through, or of quirky incidents, but of change in my life, and love in my heart. I want to go back to Mr. Contreras's room and tell him thank you for affecting me in that one semester I knew him. I want to see father Alvin and tell him he was a big influence. I want to go out to some tiny shack on bodega highway and see my stoned guitar teacher Mr. Doherty, and tell him that he changed my life through his love and passion for teaching, even thought he wasn't the most obedient employee the school had. . But not until my life is changed. I want to go back and tell everyone everything, but like they said at the end of gladiator, "Not Yet!"