two years ago i wrote a blog about the number four. its really good. i might import it from my myspace. this is one like that. its about the number 61. (oh, and i started writing this on the 17th, but its close to midnight and i probably won't finish in time.) i chose 61 because of a few reasons. one, its the number of days in any two consecutive months (unless those months are july and august, or january and february, or february and march)and its the number of days til my birthday.


61 months ago i was a counselor at junior high camp. i prayed with a kid who had just accepted christ. his face, his smile, is the most joy filled face i have ever seen.
61 weeks ago i was working kitchen at camp, and i heard God talk to me above the dish washer.
61 days ago i was driving home from a long day of climbing after work at camp.
61 hours ago i was eating dinner with my family on a friday.
61 minutes ago i was on facebook.
61 seconds ago i was in the bathroom. 61 seconds from now i'll be in the next paragraph.

See? i told you i would be.
61 minutes from now, i'll be deciding if this blog is anywhere near worthy to be online.
61 hours from now, i'll asleep. i willhave gotten back from youth group, where we are playing the same two songs that we sang last time we played. take it all(by hillsong), and everything(by lifehouse) just two weeks later. see, our youthgroup doesn't know how to worship God during music. see, they haven't had a steady band in 61 months. so most of them weren't in youth group yet. actually, none of them were in youth group yet. half of them don't come on sundays, and the other half all are very helpful with our childrens ministry. that means they don't sing anything on wednesdays, and they hardly sing anything on sundays. the only exposure these kids have to music that glorifies God is once a summer at camp. so we are trying to introduce them to it.

61 days from now, i'll be 21. twenty one. that means i can drink. in a sense its a bigger birthday than 20. you can't really do anything cool at 20 that you couldn't at 19, except ride in a car with someone who got their liscence int eh past 6 months, which isn't that cool. and since i'll be at simpson, i won't drink for another two months afer that. two months. 61 days.

61 weeks from now i'll be 22, and in my senior year of college. well, its supposed to be my senior year. we'll see if i keep on track like that. i kinda doubt it. but i'll be a senior. when my mom was that age, she was married. weird.

61 years from now i'll be 81 years old. i probably won't rock climb anymore. i hope i'll at least still be able to play guitar. i'll be married. i'll have kids. my kids will have kids. my kids's kids, might be getting married, and having kids.
thats right. 61 years from now, i could be a great grandpa. WHAT! yeah,. thats crazy. seriously, take a second and think about that. 60 years from now, when you are old and grey, (or bald...) what will your grand kids look like? they will be as old as i am now. or older. 60 years from now, if you are still alive, you could be holding your great grandkids. or, you could have them sitting on your lap. or they will be to old to sit on your lap. if every generation in my family has kids at 25, when i'm 81, my grand kids will be 6. and i''l be 81, so my lap might be too fragile for them! crazy. this blog was supposed to be artsy with the numeric symmetry, not scary and putting life in perspective.

61 decades from now, no one will know my name. i will be the old name in the family bible that no one knows about. i will just be another name. and next to my name it will say "1988-" and after that will be another number. thats it. all this has happened, and will happen, and then i'm Gone. but then I'm in heaven.

and i won't be a counselor at a camp, and i won't be hearing God over the noise of a dishwasher. cause he will be right next to me. i will just look at his face and talk to him. i won't be eating, but i'll be with my family. i won't have to lead worship at youth group, cause jesus will be right there. and i won't be deciding anything about blogs, and i won't be talking about my age, or watching where the wild things are. and i won't be holding my great grand kids on my ever-so-fragile lap, and i won't be in the bathroom. i'll be kneeling at jesus' feet.
and i'll be smiling.

hold me jesus

rich mullins wrote a song called hold me jesus.
watch the youtube video, then i'll finish talking.



anyways, yeah. for some reason when i hear this song it reminds me of how big God is. the sad part about this song is that rich mullins died about ten years ago. i had no idea who he was then, except as the guy who wrote "Awesome God" side note: he also wrote the song creed. for those of you who know garrett viggers, check out his website (garrettviggers.com) and watch a video of third day recording creed with brandon heath and garrett on the dulcimer

okay. anyways, the bridge of this song is the best part.

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

that part made me begin to tear up. considering the fact that i am really thirsty, i probably would have cried just now listening to it. this blog is not eloquently worded, it is not my best writing, and definitely not my most humorous, but this song speaks so much to me, i had to write it.

update ramble.

once again, i am writing a blog that i hope turns into something worthwhile. today i led worship at church again. josh was speaking, and i hadn't led in a while, so he told me i was singing. i spent about ten minutes last wednesday picking the set, so i felt like i might not be able to get into the songs. i usually take forever to choose music that speaks what my heart is try to tell me, and fits with the message so it takes like three hours. since this time was short i feared i would not feel into the songs by Sunday. that was far from true. today i loved the songs i had chosen. every song we played moved me. when i play i love to watch others worship God. today i feel like i only opened my eyes one time per song, and i didn't look up when i did. as each song was coming close to its end, i thought about the feel the song had left me with. certain songs have certain feelings attatched, but thats not what i mean. there is a different part of my heart that is puled by each part of a song. truly amazing songs pull my whole heart, or pull one peice so hard it moves me. every song starts pulling on one part of my heart, adn moves what part it pulls through the song. and so when each song came to an end, i thought about what it was pulling, and what songs would fit next that would transition from that feeling well.

then i would open my eyes the one time. well, actually, i think they were open, but they were not looking at people, or at the walls, or my guitar, or anything. i was staring at Go. the only time i focused my eyes was when i looked at the set list to see what was next, and if it fit. each song pulled my heart in the perfect way. i was singing and unable to stop smiling. today God filled me with is Joy again, and i love it.

after a good set like today, where i am worshiping God, once the songs are over, the final dismissal-prayer has been said, and everyone is heading out to the fellowship hall to eat cookies and drink coffee (an every sunday tradition at our church) and i begin to put my guitars away, i begin to wonder something. its that nagging doubt that creeps into my mind. i wonder if i sounded good. like at all. was i in the right key? did i sing way too loud or too soft? did i miss any notes? now, if i completely messed up, i still worshiped God, so the service was great for me, and in a sense none of that matters. but i want to bring my best before God, so it does matter.

on the days where i question if i sounded even remotely good, God always surprises me. today a woman from our church, named patty, walked up and told me this "hi, i'm patty, and i want to say i love listening to you sing. i don't think i hear you sing very often, but it sounds Good. I love the whole band here. you guys worship God. i can hear in your voices and instruments that your hearts are in the right place, and you are worshiping God." that is the best compliment i have gotten. i think ever. last time she complemented me, she said my mandolin playing was better than my guitar playing. i have played guitar for 8 years now, and at that point i had played mandolin for about 5 hours. and so when i saw her walking up, i thought of that last one. a part of me braced for a complisult (you know, the compliments that kinda hurt)and then she said that. God is awesome.

and that phrase is still in my mind. "i can hear in your voices and instruments that your hearts are in the right place..."