update ramble.

once again, i am writing a blog that i hope turns into something worthwhile. today i led worship at church again. josh was speaking, and i hadn't led in a while, so he told me i was singing. i spent about ten minutes last wednesday picking the set, so i felt like i might not be able to get into the songs. i usually take forever to choose music that speaks what my heart is try to tell me, and fits with the message so it takes like three hours. since this time was short i feared i would not feel into the songs by Sunday. that was far from true. today i loved the songs i had chosen. every song we played moved me. when i play i love to watch others worship God. today i feel like i only opened my eyes one time per song, and i didn't look up when i did. as each song was coming close to its end, i thought about the feel the song had left me with. certain songs have certain feelings attatched, but thats not what i mean. there is a different part of my heart that is puled by each part of a song. truly amazing songs pull my whole heart, or pull one peice so hard it moves me. every song starts pulling on one part of my heart, adn moves what part it pulls through the song. and so when each song came to an end, i thought about what it was pulling, and what songs would fit next that would transition from that feeling well.

then i would open my eyes the one time. well, actually, i think they were open, but they were not looking at people, or at the walls, or my guitar, or anything. i was staring at Go. the only time i focused my eyes was when i looked at the set list to see what was next, and if it fit. each song pulled my heart in the perfect way. i was singing and unable to stop smiling. today God filled me with is Joy again, and i love it.

after a good set like today, where i am worshiping God, once the songs are over, the final dismissal-prayer has been said, and everyone is heading out to the fellowship hall to eat cookies and drink coffee (an every sunday tradition at our church) and i begin to put my guitars away, i begin to wonder something. its that nagging doubt that creeps into my mind. i wonder if i sounded good. like at all. was i in the right key? did i sing way too loud or too soft? did i miss any notes? now, if i completely messed up, i still worshiped God, so the service was great for me, and in a sense none of that matters. but i want to bring my best before God, so it does matter.

on the days where i question if i sounded even remotely good, God always surprises me. today a woman from our church, named patty, walked up and told me this "hi, i'm patty, and i want to say i love listening to you sing. i don't think i hear you sing very often, but it sounds Good. I love the whole band here. you guys worship God. i can hear in your voices and instruments that your hearts are in the right place, and you are worshiping God." that is the best compliment i have gotten. i think ever. last time she complemented me, she said my mandolin playing was better than my guitar playing. i have played guitar for 8 years now, and at that point i had played mandolin for about 5 hours. and so when i saw her walking up, i thought of that last one. a part of me braced for a complisult (you know, the compliments that kinda hurt)and then she said that. God is awesome.

and that phrase is still in my mind. "i can hear in your voices and instruments that your hearts are in the right place..."