i have commitment issues. but not the normal kind for a guy my age. when i like a girl, i commit to liking her. and it usually takes liking another girl to make me stop liking the first girl. and yes, this has come back to bite me in the but recently. theres a girl, who may be reading this, and she knows who she is, who i liked. i told her i liked her way before i should have, and then we flirted for awhile. then she told me we needed to be just friends and i agreed, and three months later i still really liked her. then i fell for a girl i met somewhere else, and battled over which of the two of them i liked more. for like two weeks, then i realized that maybe, just maybe, i needed to get over the first one, and not like the second either.
basically i think i like people too much. so when i like a girl, or even pretend to start to like a girl, i jump in. and it usually works out that i am an idiot, and sometimes it messes things up. in fact, to the aforementioned girl who knows who she is, i want to apologize for jumping the gun, cause it made things awkward between us. i hope we can still become better friends.
really this blog doesn't need to be posted, but it will be anyways. cause thats just what i do.
i guess i can make it seem better if i do this:
pray for me. that i find the line between over commitment and under commitment.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
fiddler on the roof
i just watched the fiddler on the roof with my family.
i love that movie. now, to start, the chracters are mostly jewish, so i do have some disagreements with them theologically, like i believe jesus Is the messiah, and they talk about still waiting for him. the weird thing is that i LOVED the theological ideas behind alot of things.
first off, the dialouge. when the jews are being kicked out of their town because they are jewish, one of them (the name escapes me right now, but he was the son inlaw, and the tailor) turns to the rabbi and says "rabbi, we have waited here so long for the messiah, wouldn't now be a good time for him to come back?" the rabbi repsons " we'll wait somewhere else." i love the line. it reminds me that no matter where we are Christ is there.
when the main character ( whose name i cannot spell, so won't even try) is deciding if he should abandon his daughter for marrying a gentile, or abandon his faith, he says "if i bend it (his core beleifs) i will break" granted i do not think we still need to disown people for interreligious marriages because christ told us to love, but the statement that he would break if his faith were forgotten is such an amazing statement.
the best part of the movie to me, that trumps all other parts, is how he prays. at one point he glimpses up at God with a look of confusion. it is as he is about to tell his wife that he is letting their daughter marry the tailor instead of the rich butcher. he looks at God with a face that just says" can i get a little help?" the way the character interacts with God inspires me. don't get me wrong, God is almighty and he deserves to be revered, but also he loves us. he wants us to feel comfortable in his arms. when i was a little kid and my dad held me i could turn and look at him in a face that said i loved him. i didn't need to say it, and i definitely didn't need to say " dear father. you are my father, and i love you. you and my mother made me, and you have raised me. thank you" i just had to look. he knew. i think we should be that way with God sometimes too. i want to be that way with God alot more than i am. to be so close with God that talking to him is almost casual.
also, he goes between talking to God and talking to himself in an instant. when his daughters ask him for his permission to marry, they suddenly are far off in the back ground to show that the talking he is doing is between him adn God, and not actually out loud. but half of the time he is saying things that sound like they should be between him and God, but the other half of the time he is saying things taht sound like simple reasoning. when he says "on the other hand..." the twenty time she says it, its just his mind measuring the pro's and cons. i think prayer and thought are linked. i want praying to be as casual as thinking. i want thought to be involved in prayer. i'm tired of people not thinking while they pray, and not praying while they think.
if you don't know what i mean watch the movie fiddler on the roof and pay attention to how he prays. it might change your life. like seriously, it might.
i love that movie. now, to start, the chracters are mostly jewish, so i do have some disagreements with them theologically, like i believe jesus Is the messiah, and they talk about still waiting for him. the weird thing is that i LOVED the theological ideas behind alot of things.
first off, the dialouge. when the jews are being kicked out of their town because they are jewish, one of them (the name escapes me right now, but he was the son inlaw, and the tailor) turns to the rabbi and says "rabbi, we have waited here so long for the messiah, wouldn't now be a good time for him to come back?" the rabbi repsons " we'll wait somewhere else." i love the line. it reminds me that no matter where we are Christ is there.
when the main character ( whose name i cannot spell, so won't even try) is deciding if he should abandon his daughter for marrying a gentile, or abandon his faith, he says "if i bend it (his core beleifs) i will break" granted i do not think we still need to disown people for interreligious marriages because christ told us to love, but the statement that he would break if his faith were forgotten is such an amazing statement.
the best part of the movie to me, that trumps all other parts, is how he prays. at one point he glimpses up at God with a look of confusion. it is as he is about to tell his wife that he is letting their daughter marry the tailor instead of the rich butcher. he looks at God with a face that just says" can i get a little help?" the way the character interacts with God inspires me. don't get me wrong, God is almighty and he deserves to be revered, but also he loves us. he wants us to feel comfortable in his arms. when i was a little kid and my dad held me i could turn and look at him in a face that said i loved him. i didn't need to say it, and i definitely didn't need to say " dear father. you are my father, and i love you. you and my mother made me, and you have raised me. thank you" i just had to look. he knew. i think we should be that way with God sometimes too. i want to be that way with God alot more than i am. to be so close with God that talking to him is almost casual.
also, he goes between talking to God and talking to himself in an instant. when his daughters ask him for his permission to marry, they suddenly are far off in the back ground to show that the talking he is doing is between him adn God, and not actually out loud. but half of the time he is saying things that sound like they should be between him and God, but the other half of the time he is saying things taht sound like simple reasoning. when he says "on the other hand..." the twenty time she says it, its just his mind measuring the pro's and cons. i think prayer and thought are linked. i want praying to be as casual as thinking. i want thought to be involved in prayer. i'm tired of people not thinking while they pray, and not praying while they think.
if you don't know what i mean watch the movie fiddler on the roof and pay attention to how he prays. it might change your life. like seriously, it might.
Friday, July 17, 2009
the godliest man i have ever known
Charles Albert Peterson, the Godliest man i know, died this morning at 6:00. he was 93 years old. to describe to you how Godly he was would take me until i was 93 myself, so i will give you the highlights. he was an army veteran, spent most of his life as a ranch hand, never married, but had more friends that he valued more deeply than i could ever dream to have. his list of emergency contacts, which he kept in his wallet listed things like which hospital he liked, his doctor, PG&E, and a few other things, but the first number on it was my dad, who was his pastor for 15 years. my father has been taking extra time lately to visit Charles, since we knew he was dying ( he has had throat cancer for a year now.) he graduated high school when he was 16.he was an expert gardener and was gardening my church's 4 acre lot when we moved to California and kept it up for the first few years.
he told my Dad that no one would be allowed to stand up and talk about his life at his funeral. he wrote that the pastor giving a summary of his life would "suffice." he wanted the pastor to preach. he wanted his life to bring others to Christ, and he wanted his death to do the same.
my dad talked to his care giver and learned some amazing things. first of all, he died today as his care giver was getting ready for the day. Elliot, the care giver stopped in at 5:30 to check on him. Elliot took went away, and came back and Charles had passed. he held on until Elliot had checked.
the biggest thing to me is that Elliot had heard him talking one morning in his room. he had heard Charles saying something along the lines of "Why am i still here? why can't i come home now?" Elliot talked about how Charles was really ready to pass. Charles was not afraid at all of death. he wanted to be with his maker.
that's how i want to be when i get close to my death. i have had conversations with God before, and once or twice it has been out loud, but i always kept quiet enough that no one would hear it. i want to be so close to God that i talk in a full conversation-volume voice to him. i want to be like that so much that I'm crying just thinking about it. about his Heart for God.
in the past few months Charles has not been able to eat. he has barely been able to sip water. he was down to a few sips per day because his throat cancer was so bad. Charles was not afraid at all of death. he wanted to be with his maker. to be face to face with God.
now he is.
he told my Dad that no one would be allowed to stand up and talk about his life at his funeral. he wrote that the pastor giving a summary of his life would "suffice." he wanted the pastor to preach. he wanted his life to bring others to Christ, and he wanted his death to do the same.
my dad talked to his care giver and learned some amazing things. first of all, he died today as his care giver was getting ready for the day. Elliot, the care giver stopped in at 5:30 to check on him. Elliot took went away, and came back and Charles had passed. he held on until Elliot had checked.
the biggest thing to me is that Elliot had heard him talking one morning in his room. he had heard Charles saying something along the lines of "Why am i still here? why can't i come home now?" Elliot talked about how Charles was really ready to pass. Charles was not afraid at all of death. he wanted to be with his maker.
that's how i want to be when i get close to my death. i have had conversations with God before, and once or twice it has been out loud, but i always kept quiet enough that no one would hear it. i want to be so close to God that i talk in a full conversation-volume voice to him. i want to be like that so much that I'm crying just thinking about it. about his Heart for God.
in the past few months Charles has not been able to eat. he has barely been able to sip water. he was down to a few sips per day because his throat cancer was so bad. Charles was not afraid at all of death. he wanted to be with his maker. to be face to face with God.
now he is.
piggy plague
yep, i said it. or at least reffered to it. swine flu. there, now i said it. i know i'm at the tail end of a sickness of some sort, and i think its the dreaded H1N1! which is funny, cause i'm really not THAT sick. well, the fever, the full body aches and the headaches were pretty bad on Wednesday afternoon, and also pretty bad on Thursday morning. but not as bad as other flu's i have had. best thing? i didn't let it distract me from worshiping God these past two weeks ( oh, i was on the band at camp leading around 230 people each week in worshiping God.)in fact, it was the first time i got sick and found a deeper meaning. yep, I'm weird like that now.
everytime i woke up feeling horrible, head throbbing, dehydrated from the massive ammounts of sweat (which every morning i thought was evidence that the fever had broken. nope.) eyes throbbing form my head being on fire, and my throat so SORE from the snot dripping down it while i slept that i was carrying around little honey packets when i sang, it made me think of something it made me remember that i live in a broken world.
thats right, my piggy plague reminded me of the fall of man, which in turn reminded me of sin, which lead to God's saving Grace. so i woke up every morning thinking about how sick i was and thanking God for loving me so much. weird. but really cool.
and then i realized something. i know when i'm as sick as i was/stil am i need alot of rest.but at the same time when i was sickest i wanted to do the most. i wanted to impact the world for God as much as i humanly could. and then some more. i really wanted to force jesus down everyones throats in the best way i could:love them. and at camp there are a few ways i could love them. see, i'm an employee and to me helping people on challenge courses really is a form of ministry. and i'm also on the band, so playing guitar is a form of misitry as well. i aslo have the ability to relate to people and make friends, and i see that as a way to build up my fellow beleivers, and thus its a form of ministry too. so i had three huge "take all day" tasks and had to do them all at once. add into thtat the fact that i was sick so only haad about 40% of my normal energy to spend, and yes, i wiped myself out.
all in all God used me though. there will probably be another blog or two about it soon, but now i need to get some rest.
with love,
Andrew
everytime i woke up feeling horrible, head throbbing, dehydrated from the massive ammounts of sweat (which every morning i thought was evidence that the fever had broken. nope.) eyes throbbing form my head being on fire, and my throat so SORE from the snot dripping down it while i slept that i was carrying around little honey packets when i sang, it made me think of something it made me remember that i live in a broken world.
thats right, my piggy plague reminded me of the fall of man, which in turn reminded me of sin, which lead to God's saving Grace. so i woke up every morning thinking about how sick i was and thanking God for loving me so much. weird. but really cool.
and then i realized something. i know when i'm as sick as i was/stil am i need alot of rest.but at the same time when i was sickest i wanted to do the most. i wanted to impact the world for God as much as i humanly could. and then some more. i really wanted to force jesus down everyones throats in the best way i could:love them. and at camp there are a few ways i could love them. see, i'm an employee and to me helping people on challenge courses really is a form of ministry. and i'm also on the band, so playing guitar is a form of misitry as well. i aslo have the ability to relate to people and make friends, and i see that as a way to build up my fellow beleivers, and thus its a form of ministry too. so i had three huge "take all day" tasks and had to do them all at once. add into thtat the fact that i was sick so only haad about 40% of my normal energy to spend, and yes, i wiped myself out.
all in all God used me though. there will probably be another blog or two about it soon, but now i need to get some rest.
with love,
Andrew
Thursday, July 2, 2009
appreciation and music
i realized tonight that i no longer feel grateful when people tell me i do a good job at something. well, i do, but with certain things i kind of wish they wouldn't say it. when someone at work tells me thank you for running their challenge course, i say " you're welcome it was my pleasure" and i mean it. when i let someone into my lane and they do the weird wave thing one the freeway, i feel kinda good (sometimes) but when people tell me " you sounded really Good on guitar today" i don't feel appreciated. it used to be that i would be so proud wen they said it. or i would be embarrassed and say "yeah i only messed up a few times ( cause i do EVERY service) but lately i have noticed i don't feel fulfilled, i don't feel better for their liking my music. i feel let down alot of the time. i don't play on sundays for their entertainment, but i also don;t do it for them really at all. i get up on stage and worship God. i know God appreciates my music, and i know he is proud of me. that is never affected by their compliments ( or insults for that matter, if i ever received any) i don't want people to hear me playing guitar and be impressed. i don't want people to sit in their seats or stand near them and listen to me play and sing, and then thank me. i want them to stand and sit and kneel and lie on their faces, and just BE in the presence of God. and i want them to thank Him. if after that they come and thank me for that, i'm fine. i have absolutely no problem with them thanking me for my heart. for my willingness to serve, for my gifts being given Back to God. i have no problems with any of that. cause to me i'm doing all of that, not playing guitar. playing guitar is what i do at nine every night ath annoys my family. or on Saturdays when no one is at church and i go and plug in and mess around.
when i play sudnays (or any other time i lead people into worship) i do it for a few reasons. God wants my best, and i feel he has given me a talent, i should give it back. i worship differently with a guitar in my hands than i do just listening. i also do it because i like to lead others into God's presence because i feel He has called me to and i want to help others when i can. i do it because i like to see others worship, and honestly, you have a better view of people from on stage.
after saying all of that, i have no problem when a person comes and says " thank you for worshiping God. i enjoyed watching you." or something like "it made it easier for me" but i want those people who say that to say the same thing to people who are not on stage. to the person sitting two rows behind you who has the horrible voice and you can hear their flat squeals above the music because they are belting it out for God. i'm not saying you should lie, i'm saying you need to learn to appreciate the person's heart too.
my favorie person to watch worship would have to be a guy at school. he's one of the worst singers i know, and he knows it. but he doesn't care. he sings his heart out to jesus. and i love it. when i sit next to him, i thank him for worshiping before i thank anyone on the band.
first come to a point where you can thank the person next to you for worshiping beside you. then come thank me.
when i play sudnays (or any other time i lead people into worship) i do it for a few reasons. God wants my best, and i feel he has given me a talent, i should give it back. i worship differently with a guitar in my hands than i do just listening. i also do it because i like to lead others into God's presence because i feel He has called me to and i want to help others when i can. i do it because i like to see others worship, and honestly, you have a better view of people from on stage.
after saying all of that, i have no problem when a person comes and says " thank you for worshiping God. i enjoyed watching you." or something like "it made it easier for me" but i want those people who say that to say the same thing to people who are not on stage. to the person sitting two rows behind you who has the horrible voice and you can hear their flat squeals above the music because they are belting it out for God. i'm not saying you should lie, i'm saying you need to learn to appreciate the person's heart too.
my favorie person to watch worship would have to be a guy at school. he's one of the worst singers i know, and he knows it. but he doesn't care. he sings his heart out to jesus. and i love it. when i sit next to him, i thank him for worshiping before i thank anyone on the band.
first come to a point where you can thank the person next to you for worshiping beside you. then come thank me.
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