okay, so twice in one day, both inspired by the same message.

tonight travis spoke again, and after the message, nate had everyone who felt stressed about the relational status they are not in hold out their hands. (if you're single, and stressed about marriage, or married and stressed about singleness. the second one made less sense to me) and everyone around me raised their hands. and i felt God telling me to wait. then nate said "and for some of you its not the stress, but realizing that God may be asking you to be single for a while, be it a year or ten. to commit to him that if he wants you to, you'll stay unattached so you can get up and go where he sends you." and God said to me "you're up."

the one thing i want the most in life is not to be a pastor. its not to be rich, or to be famous, or to be amazing at guitar. its not even a wife. its to have kids with my wife, and raise them to be God loving men and women. and tonight God asked me to give up my desire to be married. ever. i cfried. i clutched my chest. i didn't know how to take it. i just knew he told me to. so i told him "okay. its yours." and my hand that was clucthing my chest felt like it was holding my heart. not the thing we see on valenines day. but the muscle. just a pure blob of flesh squirting blood. and i held it out, slowly opened my hand, and told him, it was his. he looked down on me and said "okay, i'll hold it for you. then he wrapped my heart in his love. then he did somehting that shocked me. he put it back. myheart is wrapped in his love. it almost seemed that part of him became like a peice of foil around a baked potato that was my heart. and he told me, i need this, but i need it to be in you. and when i want to, i will let you have a wife and kids, but now you need to be okay with the fact you might not ever marry. i wanted to drop to the floor and sob.

but my heart was wrapped in him.

_______________________

i got back to school tonight and as i walked down the stairs to my room he told me i will marry and have kids. eventually, but before i do, he is going to do something. and i'm not sure what it is yet. and i don't get to know yet. i think it will be something that shapes me into a someone who can actually support a family, and be responsible for them. but i'm not sure if that will take a year or ten years or fifteen years. but i'm okay with that. scared, but okay.