the last year of my life.

earlier i posted a blog about alot of what has happened to me in the past few months. my dad brought it to my attention that i perhaps shared more about others than i should have. here it is again without their details.


okay,the last year of my life sounds semi-morbid. like this next year i will die. not what i meant. i mean the past twelve months of time. ( ish)
so a year ago i broke up with my ex. well, it wasn't just a break up. she betrayed my trust in a way that hurt. alot. but a week before she did God told me to break up with her. i was analyzing who i was and who i was becoming. i felt guilt for all of my faults. then he gave me a joy. a heavenly joy. now you normally hear of joy and happyness, but happyness is the opposite of sadness or anger. joy is greater tahn that. the song "i have found" by kim walker has a line that says

i have found a peace that plows on through the storm.
i have found a peace that jumps over sadness.
i have found a love that lights up every room.
i have found. i've found you

that song has defined my life int he past year. easter 2008 i found a joy. and then the storms hit. A ot of bad stuff happened, and a lot of you know what that as, but a lot of you don’t one thing I don’t do on my blog is gossip. And the original versin of this post was a lot of stuff I didn’t roof read. So this on is going to be shorter. Anyways, God planted a seed of Joy in my life, then the storm hit. and he gave me a peace that transcends all understanding. that peace gave me back the ability to function. i got over the hard times, the pain, but never got over the injury. you can have a broken leg, and not feel it after a while, until someone kicks it. then the pain comes back. true healing takes place when you allow it time to not only get past the pain, but to mend the break. my heart was like that.
in mid to late july, once i was past the pain, the peace was taken away. i went from extremely calm to my normal self. or at least something that resembled my normal self. then i began to find Joy. Aron mid summer, I think it was late july, that joy took off in a huge way. i began to see beauty in random places. i once went to walmart to people watch because the familes shopping together were beautiful. seeing God's love for them got me through some things. I saw beauty in those around me, and in those really close to me. God grew that Joy and vision for his beauty in me. In early februay a bad time hit again, an I focused on the pain. I knew there was a good reason for it, but it was hard to get past it. I had to do something I did not want to do but I knew the outcome would be worth it. Once again, some of you know what that was. In the heart of the tough choices, God told me that i was a man after his own heart. and the joy jumped out of the sadness and all i could do was laugh. and smile. and cry. all that has been left since then has been the joy. the joy of knowing my creator is proud of me. the joy of asking him to use me. the joy of knowing his love for me, and how that makes me a light in the darkness.

over the past month i have been trying something different when i pray for people. see, we are to be the temple, where haven meets earth. so we are to be heaven on earth. in the lord's prayer we say " your kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven." and if there is no pain in heaven, then i think we are supposed to be making there no act of pain on earth. now our world is broken, and thus there is pain, so we are supposed to go around comforting the hurtung people. so when i pray, i no longer hit people with an onslaught of words, but pray silently for God to tell me his words for them. God loves to encourage his children, so i ask him to use me to do that. he has. at first it was in the moment of prayer, or worship, when i knew people were open to hearing it. lately he has been keeping me up at night. giving me people to pray for. and when i do pray for them, he tells me what to say. It’s weird. but its the spiritual gift of encouragement.

last night, he told me to talk to my dad. now that’s no hard stretch for me, my dad is a pastor, and also an amazing father. it seems fathers and pastors are cool, but being both is hard.

Godsip time. my dad does both excellently. he finds the precarious spot of balancing life at home and work together. and he stays there. then he helps his parents out too.

but God also told me something to tell my dad. and i did. it was weird. to tel my father something form God. and it was about how he was acknowledging the direction God had Pointed my brother and allowing his son to take the lead.
anyways, God told me i would be continuously called to speaking his encouragement to people for the rest of my life. some people( whose opinions i respect highly) will say that spiritual gifts are a one time thing, and God gives them out once. they say that the idea of God giving one to a person for their whole life is putting God in a box. to which i respond; saying God doesn't give some a gift for life because it puts God in a box, in essence, is putting God in a box. just a different box. i believe God gives some gifts to some people for life, and to others he gives for a day, or a month, or a second, depending on how he sees fit. he told me i would be continuously called to encourage his family.
he said that of the parts of the Body, i am the hug. which is, in fact, not a part, but an action, but what ever. maybe English and the heavenly language lose a little in translation.
anyways, God has been showing me a lot lately. i love coming home for a week and just having him pour things into me. my cup runneth over, and spilleth onto my blog. I figure if i share it all here, then i empty it more so he can fill me again.






i also have been doing alot of thinking about what kind of person i need as a partner to compliment me. Definitely a person who is ridiculously compassionate. and who is humble. a person who can always put others first. Ut when they come into the presence of God, they don’t care about other. Someone who worships whole heartedly. some one who is gentle hearted yet has a call to lead and help others in their spiritual journeys.

that last part is like the pastors kid's version of a personal add. i like long walks on the beach, deep theological discussions, and candle light dinner. like the last supper.
:)

go in peace to love and serve the lord.